Brocc's+Thoughts


 * Continuation 1**

Found out why Bram was all scared of that one working girl at the kings consort. Apparently that whole vampire story is real and she happened to be one of them. Not sure what to think about that yet, but it's good to know that these walking bodies seem to burn up in sunlight and they're not totally immune to a lucky punch in the face (which I think was the finishing blow). While normally I wouldn't hit a girl, I don't think vampires really count. Anyhow, having found out about that that, Bram was more willing to let me and my other new partner, Mr. Rogers, in on his story. It's quite a deal to take in at once, and I won't bother saying it all here. While I find Bram to be a nice fella for the most part, he seems afraid of almost everything, and will let that fear control him and have caused him to make some really bad decisions, especially this past day where his fear cost him his brother's life.

Anyhow it seems we're putting our work for the consort on hold for the time being and heading out for Maynooth, seeing as that's where this Cult Leader Professor guy has kidnapped those girls from. Anne also wants to go to Maynoooth, but because she seems to think that either Fitzgerald or the cult can bring Jack back from the dead. James argued that whatever caused Fitzgerald to not be able to die also is what made him go crazy and kill those innocents. I agree with James's on this. It's not too hard to find out about his gradual slope into craziness if you ask around the right places. Whatever life Anne might be able to buy from Fitzgerald will have too high a price for her to pay. Hopefully we can change her mind from her plan before too long.


 * Continuation 2**

Met Ben, a "friend" of Bram/James. While James seems to trust him, and he has worthwhile goals, he seems like he may be just as much the overbearing and hedonistic English noble as any of the other "patrons" of the King's consort. Still, he hasn't given me any personal reason to dislike him yet, so I'll keep my peace for now. Had some other important things to talk about, so Bram, Mr. Rogers and I took a walk out to the woods to talk in private. From his letter, I think Fitzgerald may have been driven to his actions not by other forces. Bram and I think it is connected to the Maynooth Cult, this "Robert" demon thing that has been talking in William's head, and his family lineage. We've got a lot of important things to do in Maynooth, but we also have our responsibilities to Mr. Cartwright. I honestly don't care all too much about pleasing Mr. Cartwright, but the debt that James owes him has him in a knot about finishing the task we were given by him right away and only really wants to help save the convent's missing girls before heading back. It seems we've got too many things to do, and not much time to do them in. Mr. Rogers and I personally feel that the problems in Maynooth are more important than Cartwright's errand, but then again, we don't owe Cartwright more money than we've ever seen in our lives.

I'm a little curious about Mr. Rogers, though. He seems to think that he's a fortune teller, and that he has come back from the dead in the past. I think the fortune teller thing is probably some sort of coping mechanism after having seen a vampire for the first time, but as for coming back from the dead... Well, he has the wounds in his chest to prove it. I'll need to ask him about it. He also seems kinda reckless regarding how he does things. It seems the reason why he wants to go to Maynooth is just to see what will happen there, without thinking about keeping a low profile, or what to do about what we find there. I'll need to make sure he'll at least try to use some caution in our snooping around, in case he ends up landing us in a heap of trouble.


 * Continuation 3**

Well, I found Uncle Ronan again, better put that he found me. Maybe saved me even, I'm not sure. Anyhow, he brings me and the others in my group to meet his friends.

I can't believe we're gypsies! Well, I mean. Ronan is a gypsy, and it seems my dad was too. I guess that means I am too, but Ronan says that I haven't "earned my stripes" just yet. I don't really know what that means. It all just feels so strange, though. They all feel familiar somehow, even though I've never met them before. Being around them I get a warm buzzing feeling that I've never felt since I was really little, aside from when Uncle Ronan was around. I'm not sure what it is. Love? Family? Even Finn feels like that, and he doesn't even seem to like me, and Nisha looks so different that she must be from some distant land. Maybe there's just some sort of sameness that links us somehow, despite how different we are. Maybe it's a gypsy thing, but how does that work? I mean, I've spent most of my life on the streets of Naas, feeling crushed by British authority, and they live a life of carefree wandering. But maybe that's just it. Maybe it's Freedom. Maybe this is the life that I've always want to live. A life that I was born to live. Maybe its some mixture of some or all those things.

But why didn't Ronan ever tell me until now? Why didn't he bring me to live with them instead of leaving me on the streets to fend for myself. I mean, he cares for me. Why else would he keep coming back, teaching me how to survive, and making sure I was okay? I always thought he was on the run from the authorities. Why didn't he tell me? But, maybe that still applies. Maybe I was still somehow safer growing up on the streets. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to keep up with them. Even with the freedom that it brings, life as a gypsy must still be pretty hard. Still, why couldn't he have at least explained this to me.

And what's with this "earning my stripes" bit? What does that even mean? I've seen and done some crazy things over the past week. I've fought crazy mouth monsters, and even punched out a flaming vampire! I'm able to take care of myself. But maybe that's just it. Maybe all I really know is how to survive. I mean, I can't even keep a couple horses from running off on my own. I haven't really done anything to prove my worth to my group. What's the use of me to anyone if I can't even look after anything but myself? Rodgers and Ben even seem to think that they'd be better off without me, questioning why I'm even with them in the first place. Can't they see that I wan't to help? That I don't have some sort of life that I can go back to living in comfortable ignorance? Those people in that died in the boarding house fire didn't know anything about vampires or demons or anything else that's going on here, and that didn't stop them from becoming senseless casualties because of all "this". And those girls that Anglade kidnapped. I don't think they did anything to deserve whatever horrible fate they've gotten into. Ignoring the horrible things about the world won't protect anyone. And even if I can't change anything, doesn't it at least count that I at least tried to make a difference in the world? I mean, Rodgers is coming along just because it's "interesting", and doesn't seem to be taking anything seriously. Why are people more comfortable with him coming along with them when his recklessness cost him an arm? I mean, he goes and tells me to "be more careful" about what I tell people, and just now, he's going and asking Nisha if she's secretly some sort monster! I mean really, how hypocritical can a guy be?

That's also something that's been crawling on the edge of my mind. When Aela's dog suddenly turned on me, there wasn't just hate in her eyes. There was terror. Ronan says that she just hates us because we're gypsies, but that doesn't explain why she was so afraid of me, even before he showed up. She said she that it was me that she should have been watching instead of Dr. Rodgers. She was afraid of Rodgers because he seemed to suddenly die and come back to life at will. She was afraid that he was something like Fitzgerald. How could a gypsy possibly even compare to whatever monster Fitzgerald has become? As much as I don't want to admit it, Dr. Rodgers may be right to think that there is something more to Uncle Ronan, his friends.... and maybe even myself than just gypsy heritage. If there is something more that Ronan isn't telling me, he must hiding it thinking he has my best interest in mind. But Aela gave Ben a dagger. Will my friends even trust me if they find out whatever Ronan's hiding? Do they even trust me now? What if Aela really was overreacting, and the secret isn't really all that bad? What if I find out and tell them and they can accept it? Wouldn't that be better than them worrying that I'm something even worse than Fitzgerald, or even those gluttony demon things in the chapel?

Things are beginning to quiet down around the campfire. I think I need to talk to Uncle Ronan about all this stuff.


 * Continuation 4**

I don't really know what to think of today's events. I ended up accidentally killing a man in a fistfight over a carriage. One minute, Bram seemed to be talking to the innkeeper lady, and then these two big guys all of a sudden come in and try to intimidate us. Then Bram made the decision to pull a gun, and all of a sudden a fight breaks out. One of the guys needs to grab me, but I manage to break free. Then, he goes and pulls a knife on me. While was fast enough to dodge the first swing, but I knew that I had to act fast, or things could have gotten messy quick. While normally, I would have taken the opportunity of staggering him to run away, the others would've kept fighting, and who knows what would happen to them then? Maybe my first hit would've been enough to make him give up, I don't know, but I decided to not take any chances and press my advantage... And I killed him. I didn't mean to. I never really fought like that before, and I guess the cracked ribs and uppercut to the head broke open some organs and stuff, and he bled to death from the inside. I did everything I could to help Doctor Rodgers stop the bleeding, but it wasn't enough, so he died. Ben had us take the body out into the forest and burn it. I put a pair of coins from the man's pockets over his eyes before we burned him though. I kinda remember there being something about that in funerals, but I don't know why. Maybe it will help him out in getting to heaven; I hope it does. He didn't deserve to die. He probably knew even less about why we were fighting then I did. I wish we could have had given him a proper burial, but the best I could do was watch over his body as it burned into ash. Ben stayed too, but probably just to make sure the evidence was properly destroyed.

One thing that did come out of that, aside from getting our cart back, was that Ben was really impressed with how quickly I was able to kill a man of that size with only my fists. He even went so far as to putting me in the position of "combat leader" in the event of a fight. I'm not really sure how to think of that. While being considered good for something is better than good for nothing, I think Ben now thinks of me as the party muscle. I mean, aside from my time in the boxing ring up until joining the group, I've always run away from a fight, only throwing a punch to make enough of a distraction to escape. The only reason I've stayed and fought is because the others were in danger. While the first time worked, since we were fighting a pair of "gluttony spirits", the second time we got a regular person killed. A person who was only helping his neighbor. But I guess that's part of it. Ben wasn't happy about how Bram handled the situation by escalating the conflict, when backing down and attempting a different approach would have worked better. I think he likes how I've been geared to consider survival before winning when the risk is higher than the reward. While I don't like the idea of having a repeat of the fight today, maybe if I'm in charge when things get messy, I'll be able to prevent it from coming to that. I've never been asked to lead or give orders before, but if everyone is willing to follow my lead, we should be able to survive better without getting other people killed. We'll need to work on how to work as a team, and develop fallback plans, and that's going to be the trickier part for me to do, as I'm not really the best when it comes to sharing my ideas.

It's tricky to figure out where to place Ben Clifford. While he's just as imperially minded as any other Englishman I've met, he lacks the arrogance that I've seen in almost all English I've seen to this point. While I don't think he actually respects me, the fact that he at least acts like he does is enough to give him my respect. His main goal seems to be survival and protecting what's his. I've done a good job of surviving on my own so far, and as far as he's concerned that makes me an expert. I'm not content on just surviving, though, as I've been doing just fine doing that on my own so far. The reason why I'm here is that there are evil forces out there, like Robert, that bring nothing but corruption and death to the people around them, even innocent bystanders. Somebody needs to do something to put an end to it, and given that we may be the only ones who know about this, we're kinda the only ones who can deal with it. As long as ensuring our own survival brings more help than harm to others, I think we can work together without too many problems. I just don't want him to start thinking of me as his personal leg breaker. He seems to know a lot about the political situation too, which might help with finding out who was responsible for my parents' deaths, I we ever get a chance to go and pursue that.

While James and I are probably on the friendliest of terms among the people in our group, I'm starting to worry about him. The way he threatened the innkeeper earlier and ended up being partly to blame for his brother's death makes it seem like his time soldiering with Fizgerald has had a bad influence on him. Either that or having to deal with all this business with vampires and demons has damaged his nerves. A man with a hammer sees every problem as a nail, and it seems the same goes for James and his gun. I know he's a smart guy, but the way he raises the stakes without thinking about the risks makes me worry he's going to get someone else killed. I think I'll need to teach him some boxing moves so he can have something a little less lethal to fall back on. Maybe I can pick up some Gaelic off him in exchange for some boxing lessons.

We may have problems when Doctor Rodgers comes back to find that Ben has put me in charge of combat. As a healer, being good at killing may have even worsened his opinion of me as compared to before, when I was only "good for nothing", and I don't really blame him for that. The bigger problem that he has an annoying habit of doing his own thing, throwing caution to the wind, and not really listening to people. This ended up costing him an arm, in the underground chapel, and even then his attitude hasn't really changed. The fact that he doesn't respect me, given that he doesn't even take the advice of the people he does respect means that I probably can't expect him to follow my lead or have my back in a fight. Still, I'm worried about him going off on his own. He really should have come with us, or James should have agreed to go with him. We really need a doctor in our group, and as much as I dislike his behavior, his heart's in the right place, and having him around, would be good as it means that there's another person in our group who wants to help people rather than just survive.


 * Continuation 5**

Great to be back here in Naas! I feel like I'm back in my element on these busy streets, where I know where I know where and who to go to to get what I need. The way life here just keeps going on could lull a person into thinking that the stuff in Maynooth never actually happened. I got a bit of a reminder today when Arianne and her elderly friend arrived from Maynooth. While he says that he did not come here to judge me, he seems to think that I meant to kill the man back there. I don't think I can prove to him that I didn't just through arguing. The only real way I think I can prove anything is by my own actions.

I've been able to help with Ben's business helping save the local farms from Warwick's influence so far. Having lived in here in Naas for most of my life, I've recognized a couple of the names that have popped up in our investigation so far. I hope are able to help these people in the end, as it would mean that I've proved myself useful to the rest of the group, and also that I've actually been able to help people who need it.

Bram seems to be more eager to try out my old lifestyle for himself. He can have it for all I care. Thievery has a tendency to make people less favorable to you in the long run. I only stole when I had no other options short of starving or freezing to death. I don't see why Bram is so eager to make trouble, especially when we are trying to work as a group. If he gets caught and blows our cover, all take a fall because of that. The cart incident in Maynooth should have shown him that. His attitude is really starting to bother me, and it seems that Ben is surprisingly the one person in the group who seems to have the most sense here. Still, if this work we're doing for Ben falls through, and our slowness in getting Cartwright's job done gets us fired, I may have to resort to stealing tubers from Mr. Unaware like I used to, or even taking up one of those full on burglary jobs. While I think Bram and I could pull it off, we could land ourselves into serious trouble if we get caught doing it, and I'm not risking that without a lot of planning going into it.

I don't know what Doctor Rodger's deal is, coming back after barely over a day with a beard at least a month longer than before, and his clothes looking and smelling like he hasn't changed them in days. I don't know why he won't give me any real explanation. I give him a pair of my uncle's old clothes and even help him find a place to wash up out of town, and still he barely gives me any more than a word of thanks. Still, I'm surprised he didn't object to me leading if things ever come to blows, though I don't think I really have his support as much as he trusts that Ben knows what he's doing.


 * Continuation 6**

Useless! Damn it, that's what I am! That bastard Cartwright's gone and stole Arianne from under our noses, and I've got no idea what to do about it. I can't even get into the consort, now that I've handed in that suit they gave me. All I've been doing for the past three hours is pace around like an idiot looking for some sign of her! Damn that Cartwright! I really hope he "won't be getting his two pounds back" next time we see him. Still, with what Ben said about that game that they had and what it might mean, he's probably got a plan for that. I wonder what his big play really is. Does he know what all we're up to? If not, can we use something we know to shake up his playing field? Then again, he might know quite a bit about the weird goings on around here. He's already had one, or maybe two vampires working for him. Would he have known that about them? I wonder how much he's got written down in that black book of his. I'd really like to see what he's got in there right about now. It also wouldn't hurt to give those things he had on those papers he gave to Ben about a good read. Maybe I can find something out about myself that I don't know already, like maybe what both Aela and Uncle Ronan know, but aren't willing to tell me.

I'm kinda bothered about Elder Fintan too... His sudden change in personality seems to have both Ben and Bram on their guard. Given that he was someone of some importance over in Maynooth, this might have something to do with Robert. I don't know anything yet to take action one way or the other, at least not without talking with the others first. I can find out enough to act before it's too late. I'm worried that if we follow through with taking Arianne and Fintan to Jack's grave, there'll be serious consequences, and i doubt any of them will turn out to be good. As wise as Fintan's advice may sound, I think it may be worth rethinking what we'll be doing after we rescue Arianne.

If we can rescue Arianne...


 * Brocc's Story, Part 2.**

Watch and wait for the right moment to act...

Good advice. Something that I managed to live and survive by growing up on the streets. Well, that and, "If there's a problem, run like hell". But sometimes you can't run, and sometimes you might not be able to spot the moment, or the right moment may never come. There may come a time where you need to take a chance, even when it doesn't look like there's any hope at all. Sometimes, you need to stand and fight for your what you believe in, and even be prepared to die for it.

The spirit knew my mind. It could read my greatest desires and doubts, and tried to use them to draw me into his service. He spoke to me last because he thought me to be the least significant, because everyone, even myself, believed me to be of least significance. He also knew that the one thing that I wanted most from him, was something would never give willingly. I wanted him gone. His speech to me of questions answered was only a token offer, as a show of his "benevolence" to those that would be swayed by him. When I refused, he would simply crush me like the insignificant flea he believed me to be, and move on. As I said before, he knew my mind, but he did not read my spirit.

I refused his offer, where others gave themselves to him. Fred gave himself willingly in exchange for power. Bram tried to fight, but his own self interest won out in the end, and he too abandoned me. Ben was the only one who who stood beside me. While his reasons were different than mine, he had a personal code that he lived and died by. The fact that he was uncompromising in his promise to fight along side me as long as I fought alongside him is something that I respected about him. It's just too bad he was only human.

At the last moment, when all seemed lost, Ben was bleeding to death, if he hadn't already, and Frank and Bram were surrendering to that spirit that thought itself a god, that my spirit revealed its true strength. Maybe it was because I had finally decided to stand and fight rather than run or accept defeat that triggered it, or perhaps my spirit was unwilling to let me die with that manifestation of everything I hate looming over me. As it was, my the secret of my bloodline chose that moment to reveal itself, and I became more than human.

I cannot recall the details of what happened next. It felt as if time had slowed to almost nothing, as my mind was overwhelmed as my mind was overwhelmed by what felt like a million new colors, smells, and images flooding my mind all at once, as if a door had suddenly burst open. On top of that was a pain unlike anything I had ever felt before, as if my body was trying to rip itself apart apart. Through this, I can recall was that my so called "allies" had abandoned me, and that thing that called itself a god had sealed itself with me. I felt a white hot rage welling up inside of me, and my mind was lost in a haze of white..

Exactly what happened then is lost to me for the time being. Judging by the new wounds from his spear that I later found could not be healed by any normal means, we must have fought one another. I can only guess that I had emerged victorious, as I was left there, injured, but alive, and it wasn't. On top of that, it had abandoned its weapon on the floor, now emptied of its presence.

It seems a trace of the spirit's habitation of the spear remained though, and it retained its ability to transform into a spear of Gaelic myth, dealing wounds that can't heal ordinarily. It also feeds on essence, making it a risky to wield. Still, I'm thinking this spear is one of the only ways of killing Fitzgerald short of fighting him in Gauru form if we ever run into each other again. Marcus has started teaching me to use weapons rather than just my fists, so I can actually hit something with the thing. Regardless, I've decided to keep the thing as a memento of the events leading up to my first change.

Thinking about flurry of events leading up to my first change, I remember Ben asking me why I chose to follow them, and I remember my response. Maybe it is strange, when your eyes are opened up to this new world of terrible secrets, to try and fight back rather than to run and hide. Why at that point, did I want to fight, after all those years of only looking out for myself, did I decide that I wanted to do more than survive? Was my spirit side, even then, beginning to stir in its sleep? It seems too coincidental for the events of my life to have led me to my first change at the exact moment that it did. How is it that I found my way to that point where I found myself facing the very thing that my kind seek to drive out of the physical world? Did Ronan know that I would find myself here when he told me to keep doing what I was doing?

I will leave Arianne and the old ridden Fintan be for now. Cartwright deserves what he has coming to him, and Arianne, after everything that happened to her, deserves to have her "father" back. I don't know if Eli will return to serving his vampire friends after he comes back, and for the time being, I don't really care. Cartwright will get what's coming to him, and once Fintan is has finished his dirty work, the spirit will leave his body and occupy the Consort, and the old man will finally be allowed to die of old age. I can return to the consort later, to deal with the spirit after it has left the old man, and deal with the mess after.

I no longer care about Bram, or James, or whatever he's going to be calling himself now. He's shown me that he's too self-centered for me to ever be able to trust him. And Frank, even with everything he knew about it, was willing to sell his soul on a whim in exchange for power. If he stood with us, Ben might still be alive. But he made his decision, and chose his side in this. We're enemies now, and if we ever meet again, his new "god" may be collecting his soul a little sooner than he'd like.

While Aela was right about my heritage, she was wrong about what would happen when I changed. Not that that would give her any pause for reconsideration if I tried telling that to her face. By the sounds of things, she and the group she belongs to specifically has it in for my kind, and she's dead set on wiping our kind out of Ireland. Still, for the time being, I'll give her and that dog of hers a wide berth for what goodwill she did show me and my former companions before she found out what I was.

Despite having grown powerful on the souls of its worshipers, because of its own prideful nature, it had brought upon itself its own defeat, which likely cost it greatly. I have been told that in the events of my first change, while I may have destroyed its physical form, its spiritual "essence" would have remained and fled in its defeat. If it did survive, in time, it will likely be better prepared to face me. I'll be ready for it though. I know what I am now. I have a pack that is teaching me about our ways. Uncle Ronan has been telling me more about the spirit world and training to be able to negotiate with certain spirits, and to hunt others that step outside their natural place. If we fight again, It won't get the chance to escape a second time.

Even after my joining the pack, Finn is still as much of an ass as he was before. Mother Luna must have a bit of a sense of humor, giving us each the same auspice. Now there's even more of a rivalry between us. As much as I like the rest of the pack, I'm not sure if it has room enough for two Cahaliths.