Journal+-+Stephen

12/28/2013 It’s like… I’ve been wandering through a forest of lies my whole life, and now here I am in a clearing. And it’s the truest thing I’ve ever seen.

I can barely understand the fact that she’s real, like all this time I never really believed we would find her. I never pictured what it would be like to see her, to hear her speak my name…

Well anyways, the training is real enough. I’ve never been pushed so hard. My trainers have broken me before, but I didn’t know what to do to satisfy them. With her it’s like I’m… real to her. Like she actually believes that I can meet her standards.

She’s not handing us anything, but I want to give her everything.

What’s more, she trusts the others. I don’t know what to make of that, except maybe that… I can do too? We’re so fecking stupid. We stumble over each other all the time, we can’t tell our own arses from an infernal pit of evil. But she sees something we don’t.

Clovis does too, I suppose. He knows a lot more than he’s telling, and I’m losing my shaky faith in his words. He’s never led us astray so far, but maybe he’s plotting our fall in a more sneaky way. Cormack wasn’t wrong for what he did, but I don’t think Neila was either, about Clovis and what he might send us to.

At any rate, I’m glad I’m not showing signs of this “specialness.” The nightmares are now almost worse than they were before, but I’m learning how to take a good biting.

I’ll be saved. It will make sense, and nothing will be wasted. She’ll lead us there, I know it.