Journal+-+Neila

Entry 01

Working for Cormac hasn't really turned out as interesting as I thought it would. "Incidents" with his customers are few and far between, so I'm largely stuck playing the housekeeper. I've been trying to find some decent books to read, but there's not really much in the way of a library here, and prices on books are more than I've been able to afford.

I keep having the same dream over and over again, and it always feel real. The weirdest part is, Cormac has been having the same dream. It's bothering me, but he's been taking it worse than I have. My dream always ended with seeing the girl fall to the ground with Edward's knife in her, followed by a loud roar and flash of light before waking up. It turns out the roar is the sound of both Cormac's gun firing and the furnace exploding. Mus be terrible when the last thing you remember in your dream is accidentally killing all your friends. I wonder how well Edward is taking how his part of the dream ended.

It all feels so real. I hope it all just turns out to be random symbolism, but I'll need to watch out to keep this from playing out like in the dream. But it couldn't could it? Some of the stuff in the dream was too strange to be anything but a figment of the imagination.

Entry 02

Investigating the orphanage didn't turn out the way I expected it to. It seems a lot van change over a few years. Old "Storm Crow" kicked the bucket a short while ago, and the orphanage itself has fallen apart pretty quickly. Upside is, the kids are a lot happier there than we were. The old library looks a lot smaller than I remember, though at I can see why I can remember it feeling like the closest thing to the Great Library at Alexandria, having nothing bigger to compare it to.

While we don't have any real answers yet, we did find a few things to go on, particularly the diary of Sister Goodchild. From what Edward has been able to uncover, she came to the orphanage from a town called Maynooth. She also seems to have a particular attachment to four children (us apparently), and seems to have known something specific about us, that she decided to keep a secret.

I wish I could remember more about Goodchild. I think she was the one that first brought me to the "library", and introduced me to the books there. It seems like a disservice to her, that I can only remember her in my dreams and what little we've learned about her last night.

Perhaps most interestingly, it looks like out visit to the Orphanage has shifted the flow of our dream. Goodchild still dies in the end, but this time, Edward's knife isn't the means of the murder. Now it's Cormac's Gun that both kills her and blows up the furnace. While the end result is the same, the fact that it has changed at all tells us something. But what, I wonder? Did our actions at the Orphanage change an element of the dream, or was it what we learned there that has slowly started peeling off a layer, to slowly reveal it's true meaning? The condition of the orphanage seems to indicate that our dream takes place in the past, at the time of Goodchild's disappearance, but we are far too old in the dream for it to be memory. Where the line is between memory and dream seems to be very blurry. More important than that, what can we do to alter the dream further? The only things that we have in our dreams aside from ourselves are our clothing and favored belongings, but we find our belongings in the stump later on. If we alter our belongings in the real world, could we thereby alter their dream counterparts? Would I be able to leave a message for myself on my stick, and find it in the dream, or is the stick just a static representation of my stick? Only one way to find out.

The diary is leading us to Maynooth for the time being. It will be a three day journey to get there, so I might have time to glean a little more information from Goodchild's diary. It would be helpful if I knew french, but no time like the present to learn. I just hope we didn't leave anything crucial behind at the orphanage.

Entry 03

--Entry Missing--

Entry 04

Everything has been terrible today. It wasn't entirely my fault. I mean, I can't be entirely responsible for setting it off, at least no more than everyone else in the crazy village. If anyone is to blame for this, it's those bullies in the college, making fun of my eye. I taught them why it's a bad idea to do that, same as I did with those other bullies back at the orphanage.

But I guess we aren't at the orphanage anymore. Back there, it didn't make a huge difference being a boy or a girl. Regardless of fighting, we were all stuck there. In the real world, fighting makes you unwelcome in places, and gives you a nasty reputation. I mean, nobody respectable would have me work for them after the incident at the bookstore back home, and Cormac was the only person I knew willing to take me in. Now, even if the university does survive the mob, I'll never be allowed back inside the library. I still wish I could remember where I ut thos books.

I wish I could do something about this. We've now barricaded ourselves in the church, on the off chance that we can rescue the sisters of the convemt (who we don't really trust). Thankfully the pile of pews that we've put up against the doors are sturdy enough for the time being. I'm surprised we made it. Stephen isn't very happy with me at the moment, but he isn't very happy about anything at the moment. I wonder if we can find a way our of here before the mob finds another way in.

Entry 05

After a lovely stay at Fort Clane, we've finally made it to Naas. As to where we're supposed to even start looking for Goodchild, I think we're all in the dark.

The latest big change in out little adventure here, is that we've once again crossed paths with the eyepatched gunman, and we've had it confirmed that he is, in fact, a member of the Vigil Black. What's more amazing is that he's none other than the Vampire of Britain himself! Imagine that! It's as if Lord Admiral Nelson himself jumped out of a history book and shook my hand! The man is a modern legend. According to the books and papers back home, he's participated in nearly all the major operations of the Vigil that have made it to public knowledge and there's say that he fights with such ferocity to bite out the throats of his enemies. It's possible that there may be some hyperbole to what has been said about the man, but with all the talk of him, it feels as if I've witnessed history in the making...

History in the making. I'm not sure what will be said of the events in Maynooth. It's not as if this country hasn't had it's shares of revolts and subsequent massacres, and the occurance may end up being summed up as a few brief lines of dates and death tolls, but it still shakes me when I think of the part I played, however minute, in starting it. Will my name be recorded as the girl who triggered a massacre, or will I be graced with anonymity? The fact that our little troupe was released lends some credence to my exoneration from what happened there in the eyes of the empire, which seems surprisingly unlikely for their lot. Given that they have more cause to try us as inciters than that horrific patrol that we encountered on our way to Maynooth, either the empire truly is more understanding than previous impressions, our "Friend" the Vampire of Britain has come to our aid again. Crossing his path twice and not only surviving but having him come to our aid seems too convenient to be pure coincidence. Outside of the four of us from the orphanage, I haven't seen too much benevolence in the world. But what could it be that he would want from us? Is he in league with Clovis, or against him? For all we know the Vampire of Britain could even BE Clovis. It seems like a pretty far stretch to think that, but then again cat's don't normally talk or control dreams, so adding shape-shifting to his list of nifty tricks wouldn't be too far of a stretch.

As it stands we have too many questions and not enough answers. Without the diary we don't have much to go on. Too bad Edward lost it back in Maynooth, and it's probably too much wishful thinking for the Vampire of Britain to suddenly reappear a couple days from now and return it to us. Only things I can think to do now would be to ask for her around town, or to try and find anything written pertaining to what we've found so far in a library or bookstore. My chances of finding something truly useful in the bookstore may be slim, but asking around would likely give us unfavorable, if any, results. Maybe we should just focus on making sure we can afford to stay here for any amount of time, and during a good night's rest Clovis might choose to give us what information we need to keep going here.

I really hate that cat.

Entry 06 I'm finding more pieces to the puzzle, but I'm still not sure what we're looking at, or even how it ties into our search for Goodchild.

Centuries ago, the Fitzgeralds established the established what is now Saint Patrick's College in Maynooth, as well as the Adjoining Saint Mary's Church. However, more darkly, sometime after that, a secret chapel was constructed beneath Saint Mary's Church. The entryway for this chapel was hidden within the Fitzgerald ancestral crypt. Given the amount of power and money that would have been required to accomplish the construction of the church heavily implies that it was commissioned and funded by a member of the Fitzgerald dynasty.

More relevant however is that roughly twenty years ago, the secret chapel was used for what local legends called the "black mass", in which a large percentage of the town's population sacrificed themselves by their own hands in a ritual of unknown purpose. Following this, a number of other disappearances were reported. A number of girls from the convent, as well as the college's dean also disappeared. We later found a... flesh eating monster beneath the chapel that seems to have been the twisted remains what was left of the dean. It was also around this time that Sister Goodchild visited and joined the convent.

In addition to that it also appears that Twenty years ago, the Fitzgeralds after a period of abscence, returned to the Earldom of Kildare after a long period of abscence. I don't know how this was accomplished, given that it would have required the approval of the British Empire. What part it played in this, I don't know, but the proximity of the two events ties a pretty disturbing connection between the Black Mass of Maynooth and the return of the Fitzgeralds.

I only have one thing that really connects Goodchild's disappearance to what we've uncovered so far seems to be the four of us. What part we play in this, I don't really know, but Goodchild's diary mentions us, and that there is something about us that she didn't want us to learn. Also, the eye pain and accompanying visions only occurred within the secret chapel. It would be nice to dismiss that as a flight of hysteria as some of us would like to believe, Clovis definitely gave the impression that there was more to it than that, But why us? Why does Clovis specifically want us to rescue Goodchild? What motivation does he even have for rescuing her. While he may have saved us a number of times from some perilous situations a number of times, he seems to derive a lot of pleasure from keeping us in the dark as much as possible, giving us just enough to stay alive and go where he wants us to go, but nothing beyond that. For all we know, Goodchild may actually be running FROM Clovis for some reason, and by finding her, we lead him right to her.

Hopefully something in that book I found today might shed some light on what's going on here. It probably won't lead us to Goodchild, and it may turn out to be completely inaccurate, but it may give us some idea of what happened twenty years ago, and shed some context on what we're doing now and who we're up against.

Edward managed to find a play that seems like it may work as an act that we can put together. While it may not be the epitome of discretion, we can't really keep draining money from Cormac forever. The play itself seems to be workable at first glance, most of the dialogue is between two characters, and the banter seems to be fairly clever. I'm just not sure about the part in the middle with the fairies in the middle. It seems a little out of place, and I may need to read it more thoroughly along with the other parts of the play to understand the subtext.

Entry 07

Why does Cormac have to be so frustrating about everything? It's like he's trying to prove a point or something with all this. Is this still some convoluted way of teaching me something about what happened in Maynooth? If it is, he's really taking it farther than he needs to. Of course we're going to be upset when we find that he's keeping secrets from us! It gives the impression that he doesn't respect us. Why ask if I can trust him when he's always saying one thing and doing another?

I just feel like he's got himself into more trouble than he really thinks, and he's not giving me the opportunity to help. He's pretty much running on the chance that he can keep himself safe using his charm and his "magic" gun, but what if he can't? Wouldn't it be safer if we were all working together on this? He's treating me like a child, but he needs to remember that we're practically the same age. I thought my job was to be his bodyguard, but how can I do that when he's running into danger without telling me? What would happen if things were to go wrong?

Sigh... I suppose at this point I need to show a bit more faith in Cormac for now. He's done stuff like this back in Drogheda, but It's hard when we don't know what we're dealing with to want to cross-check everything with each other. At this point he needs to go where I can't directly follow. I just hope that when he gets back he'll be willing to tell me more about what they want. I'll help him any way I can, but I would like it if he could let me know a little more about these things.

Cormac's hypothesis with the stick was interesting, but I think it would have helped if we shared more information before acting. I could have at least told him about how my attempts to alter the stick in the dream through modifying it in the real world didn't have any effect. What's more interesting is what he revealed about his own "dream token" From what he's told me, his pistol's developed some unusual qualities, and he's expressed a certain attachment to the thing that he feels to be slightly unnatural. I'm understandably worried about this, but for now, I don't think it would be a good idea to take the gun from Cormac, unless he gives it up willingly. If we were to force the issue, which I think Stephen might, that would likely make Cormac more resentful, and less cooperative, which is something we really don't need right now.

I think Stephen and I may be seeing eye to eye a bit better. That information I found out at the bookstore about the return of the Fitzgeralds seemed to give him something to go on, as well as help justify my time there. It's nice to see that he has something to go on at least. Maybe he and Edward can get some information from around town on what the Fitzgeralds have been up to over the past twenty years.

Another thing that irritates me is that while we did manage to get a play to work on, we didn't get the book on the Fitzgeralds. I'm starting to worry that we don't have the time or resources to put together something of the scale of a play. It may be better to find some simpler forms of entertainment to get through, such as something more improvised, or possibly even some songs. I hope I don't upset Edward by telling him this. He seemed really excited about the idea.

Entry 08

Well, it seems that Cormac's plan worked, even better than he even expected. They most definitely grow a different class of criminal in these parts. Everything here seems so far above anything I'm used to. The brandy we drank on the way in is probably worth at least as much as Cormac makes in a year. Mr. Cartwright sure knows how to pick his public representatives too.

I don't think that Cartwright is leading us into a trap. If he wanted to do that he could have done it without talking to us about it first. Why he is putting this much faith in us is beyond my understanding. We barely know what we are capable of, let alone, how to control it. Will I be able to recognize the vampire before it can gain the element of surprise? The shock of the visions may even make it harder for me to fight it effectively. Cormac seems to be the easiest power to apply, shooting fire from his gun. I wonder, though, if Cormac even needs the gun to shoot the fire, if the power actually comes from him. It's not like I stopped seeing things without my staff. Regardless, seeing that fire is supposedly one of a vampire's few weaknesses, he should be able to have the easiest time in this fight. Not sure how Edward's powers are going to help him, unless vampires are allergic to cats. Maybe that's why Cartwright gave him the stake. If his power is also being able to cause people to go to sleep, I have no if that would even work on a vampire. Do vampires sleep the same way living people do?

I don't know if I should be bothered or relieved that Stephen isn't here for this. From what I've read in the old storybooks, I'm pretty sure I'd want to keep at least a knife's distance between myself and a vampire in a fight.

Is it odd that I am taking affirmation of the existence of vampires in stride? I suppose that with what we've encountered so far, especially the late dean, would give us reason to believe that things exist. Perhaps that is what Anglade was. He would certainly fit the description in a vague sense, being an animated corpse that feeds off the blood of the living... I have no idea as to the behavior of vampires, but the dean behaved more territorially, rather than predatory. Still, until we see what Cartwight's vampire looks like, the dean is the closest thing to a Vampire that we have come across.

Another really nice thing will be having access to Cartwright's armory. I'm sure I can find something there a little more dangerous, and hopefully less flammable, than my previous weapon. He did mention swords. Swords always make me think of some of my favorite old stories of Joan of Ark or Grace O'Malley. It might be interesting to learn how to use one, though I think it would be difficult to trip someone with a sword in a fight. Maybe a spear might be more in line with what I know. I'm worried which would be more ridiculous to be seen carrying around town. I should probably not put too much thought into this until I can actually see what they have. I really hope that Cartwright won't see the need to request the weapons back following the fight, but the dog wrapped around his soul may get a little grumpy about us keeping them.

I really hope that Cartwight is placing his confidence in the right place in all this, and that we all survive whatever happens tonight. Judging by our past luck, this is all too easy to be all there is.

Entry 09

We did it somehow, and with the three of us alive somehow. I'm not sure how much of our success can be contributed to our "abilities" or blind luck at this point. I mean, somehow the ragged man managed to pick off nearly half of the King's Fingers without us noticing somehow. It's weird. I can remember seeing, even directly observing, everything that he was doing, but It's as if I wasn't able to process any of it until minutes later.

I think Cormac turned out to be the game changer in this fight, though Edward did some pretty quick thinking with throwing the fire. I don't think anything human could turn to ash as quickly as the ragged man did. I suppose I should be happy for Cormac figuring out how to gain some more control over whatever it is he does with fire, I don't really feel like my second sight really helped me as much as it could have. While I was able to somehow force one of my visions, it actually didn't show me the active evil we were up against.

I don't even know what I was supposed to do with that knowledge. Kill her like the ragged man? Leave her trapped in living death until someone pulls that stake out of her heart? Pull the stake out myself? If I were to wake up in her place surrounded by the murderers of the only person left that I cared about, there would be nothing on my mind but revenge. For now I guess it is the best thing we can do to leave her in Cartwright's hands. It all feels so messed up that we were using her as bait. I don't know if I should feel grateful to Cormac for trying to keep this from me or not. It's not like wasn't able to handle finding out, but it would have been simpler for me if I hadn't found out. What is the worse evil? Lingering curiosity or the burden of responsibility?

It may have been a shame to Cartwright that his main thug, Lorcan, is dead, but I'm not shedding any tears for the old pig. Bastard had it coming after thinking of me as just another hole to shove his stick into.

You'd think a professional actor like Edward would be able to pick his words better. He tends to give people really bad ideas.

I don't really know to what extent Edward's connection to Clovis reaches, but he seems to somehow be able to talk with him outside of the dream, and possibly even control him. Maybe he could use that to get some real answers out of that thing.

I'm still disappointed with my own performance in that fight. For most of the fight all I did was just stand and watch everything go up in flames around me. I suppose I was able to get a shot in with that rifle Edward threw at my face, but even then, it barely seemed to phase the ragged man. I really shoulder taken that gun with me. With everyone pointing guns all over the place, the usefulness of a pole-arm is a bit more limited. It's probably too late now to collect any of the weapons left over from the fight. Cartwright's hound-friend, Kalesh, probably won't like the idea of upgrading my weaponry beyond my new stick.

Entry 10

Goodchild- Or rather, Arianne, is safe. Or at least has been up until now. Apparently, she left the orphanage to keep us safe from the thing that is wanting to track us down. According to her, Old Stormcrow was some sort of supernatural ward. Mean as she was, she was somehow keeping us out of the enemy's sight.

It's nice to finally be here. Despite all the dangers in getting here, and the possibility that our stay here will have to be brief, i'm guessing this is what finally coming home after a long absence, though we've never been here before, and Arianne's been gone so long we could barely remember her. Still, like Cartwright said, She's the closest thing we have to a mother despite no real familial connection. It just feels like this place is the only beacon of warm light in a world of darkness. I don't know what we'll have to face when tomorrow comes, but I'll just be happy we managed to get this far.

So now we have affirmation that demons really are at work in the world. That's great. Vampires, Demons... Arianne also mentioned wolf-men... Whatever not-vampire monster that we found in the black chapel... The world seems to be filled with so many ghoulds it's a wonder that it's managed to keep itself in the realms of folk-tales. If I had known they would have turned out to be more important, I would have taken more than a passing interest in those sorts of books instead of primarily focusing on history.

But what will we be having to do moving forward? If Arianne left to keep us safe, we won't be safe for long in one place now that we're all together again. I'd hazard a guess, but I don't think we've learned enough about both our enemy or even ourselves take the fight to him. We'll probably have to keep running for a while longer. Hopefully betweem the five (or maybe seven) of us, we can find a good place to go from here. On the bright side, it seems I got a head start on catching up on things by beginning research on the Fitzgeralds.

Though the thing that Thatch noticed about our passes is still lingering on my mind. Our brief run-ins with the Vampire of Britain may are seeming to be less and less coincidental. Another ghost from Arianne's past? Surely he can't be a real vampire. We've seen him walking around in daylight. So who is he, and what does he want with us? Arianne didn't seem to recognise him from my description, but maybe I could draw a sufficiently good image that it may jog her memory. Of course, if he's working for our enemy, he may not need to be someone from her past, so much as having a good description of what the four of us would look like. Though we wouldn't to be too hard to notice. "Three boys and a one eyed girl" is probably a good enough descriptor to set us apart from any other group of people traveling in Ireland. And thinking of... of... thinking... --- Did I mention I really hate that cat?

Entry 11

Is this the way things are going to go for us? Is this going to be normal? Cormac murdered Thatch in cold blood and Edward just let him, all because the cat told him to. It feels like we're slipping into darkness so quickly, I don't even feel like I know who any of us are anymore. What did that demon do to our mothers to sire such monsters as we are? I'm trying so hard to hold onto who I thought I was, but I feel like I'm just making us weaker. The twisted emptiness of the void terrifies me, but the same void is what seems to be lurking in the depths of our souls. The clawing tendrils of cold emptiness grasps to claim me as their own, and I can't help but run. I run and scream and tear with every ounce of my humanity to get away, but it's already taken root. It's always been there, but I never before looked too closely into the abyss. Cormac and Edward are already sinking into it. I'm not sure if Stephen is. He may not be feeling it because he has not learned what gift he possesses, or maybe he feels the same way I do, but is able to keep it inside better than I can.

I still don't feel like what we did was justified. It only became our responsibility because Clovis said it was, but what's to say he was completely honest with us? Why were Cormac and so Edward convinced that the best future in store for him and us was the one where he was already dead? He could have been strong. He could have stayed and trained with us, and may have been able to stand, fight, and maybe even survive along with us. But now we'll never know will we? The pages of the rest of his life's story just ripped out and never allowed to be finished because we don't like where we think it's heading. If we just assume the worst from the future, then what's the point in any of us living either? We have more potential to make the world a whole lot worse than he ever could. Maybe we should just kill ourselves now, rather than risk what will happen when the void finally claims us.

But that still leaves the world with a bigger problem than any of us. There county of Kildare is still under the grasp of a demon, and the corruption can't be allowed to spread to the rest of the world. Maybe, if we do somehow manage to destroy it, we would be able to destroy ourselves too. Maybe God would make an exception for my soul for taking my own life, if it keeps me from making the world any worse. I may be too far gone to enter heaven, but maybe there could be a place for me outside of hell.

Why, God, did you allow us to be born into this curse? Is there no hope of salvation, or were we damned from the moment we were conceived? Tell me that you still have a divine plan, and that I still have a part to play in it. If by turning my back from your commandments I am somehow following your will, then I will do so, but please send someone to destroy me when my part in this is over, and be merciful on my soul when the time comes for you to judge me.

I will stand by my family, and will try to keep them from falling too far, even if I need to fall with them. I will do my best to protect them from evil, just as they try to protect me, and will try not to pass judgement on them. The only way that we can get through this is by working together, and the only way to work together is by standing with them. Just give us the wisdom to find another way through this if there is one available.

Amen.

Entry 11.5

We've been training almost non-stop this past week under both Arianne and Clovis. You'd almost think it strange, but I feel more relaxed during the day than in our dreams. In the daylight, the shadows don't come to life and try to strangle the life out of you.

I'm following through with our training with Clovis, even though Arianne would forbid us from it if she knew of it. I don't think it would stop the others regardless, and no matter what it does to us, we're going to need whatever edge we can get if we're going to succeed.

I've learned how to actually use my second sight, perceiving sins and horrors that no mortal should have to witness. I've also been told that our dark gifts grow with the weight of our own sins. It is ironic, being better able to find the stick in anothers eye with a plank in your own. Not very biblical now, is it? Still, just having learned to control and use it, I may be able to use it to greater effect without allowing it to lure me down a slippery slope.

The others have been pulling along well, though Stephen still hasn't shown what he can do yet, if he has even figured it out for himself. The dreams have been getting a lot more obvious in the danger it's been presenting us as of late. Thankfully, Cormac hasn't gone and killed me again, though we have all experienced "death" at least a handful of times in these dream battles. While quick to pass when we wake up, the sensation of dying feels just as painful as I can imagine in the dream, if not more.

There's a small bit of time between cleaning up after dinner, and beginning our night training where I've been able to get a bit of reading in. Despite her warnings of the forbidden knowledge of the Maynooth library, she still has been nice enough to provide me with a few books to grant me some additional knowledge of some of the things that lurk in the shadows of the world. She's also been able to answer a few additional questions, though sometimes with hesitation or a thorough warning beforehand. There are still some things that she just simply won't tell me, but I'll have to accept, with some irritation, that there are some things I'm just not ready to learn just yet. Apparently my initial assumptions on both werewolves and wizards from the old stories have been entirely inaccurate.

Entry 12.0

//In the bedroom prior to the battle//

Damn it, Stephen. What are you trying to tell me? If you think I should take a stand, then stand alongside me rather than stay quiet in the background. If I go against what the rest of the group is doing, I make the rest of the group weaker for it. I've tried making my own decisions, and look at what it's done for us? I incited a revolt and got Sister Kyla killed! Is that the kind of decision making we want? We have enough issues with Cormac making his own decisions already. How can we work as a team if we are all pulling in different directions? If you think that I should be take a stand on anything, then prove it by supporting at least one decision that I make. At this point it feels like everything I've tried doing on my own has resulted in disaster, so if you're going to agree with me then let me know sooner, because it feels like you're siding with everyone else when you don't say anything.

I really need to finish that conversation with him.

Entry 12.5

//Lost in Black//

I can't see anything! What happened to the light? Cormac! Stephen! I thought they were right behind me Arianne! Everything is dark. I don't know where I am. Those things, they're going to find me and kill me, and I can't do anything about it. I can't see them. Can't hear them. I can't fight them I can't breathe... Stephen, please, find me before they do. // If we stick together they can't... get... // //...//

Entry 13

//Burning Bodies//

Waking up to this feels so surreal... Like it's a blurry dream that I can't really wake up from. Either Stephen or Edward are dead, or possibly even both... I saw an echo of a new death in front of the house. Someone's neck was snapped in front of a third individual. Cormac's account was a bit confused and possibly evasive, but it indicated that it more likely that Stephen's death whose echo I witnessed. I can't tell for sure if he genuinely is confused, or if he's intentionally keeping knowledge from me for some reason or another. As irritating as it is for me not knowing all the details, I need to remember that this is difficult for him too.

I just feel so numb inside. I just can't seem to register what has happened without any bodies, and no certainty as to who died. My conscience is telling me that I'm supposed to be mourning for somebody close to me, but I don't know who. This whole situation feels so stupid, just sitting here, going about burning the bodies and boarding the windows as if what happened last night was nothing all that important. At the moment though, It doesn't feel like there's much that we really can do aside from make what preparations we can while waiting and hoping that Arianne, Edward or Stephen succeeded in fleeing into the darkness and may return, or that whatever new element caused our assailants to flee may decide to show themselves to us.

But where are we supposed to go from here? Arianne never did tell us where we should go from here, and it's not like there is any clear clue as to where to go next. Cormac suggested going back to Naas, possibly to request assistance from Cartwright a second time. But, considering that we were eventually found by servants of our enemy might mean that Cartwright is now even more compromised than he already was with a hellhound coiled around his soul. Dealing with him a second time could prove to be a very dangerous idea.

But it's not like we have many other options. Aside from the obviously foolish idea of chasing after our assailants, the only idea that I can come up with is going back to Maynooth. As painful as our previous experience was there, I could see some merit in returning. If the Vigil Black was successful in putting down the revolt, we may have a second opportunity to gather up any information that may have survived whatever was burnt down. Arianne did teach us a skill that may help us overcome the danger presented by the "Maron", if she is still lurking around the convent somehow, and I doubt that the enemy would expect us to backtrack to a place like that. If the underground study contains the secrets of calling up demons into the world, it may still be able to tell us how to put them back down. It's probably not a brilliant idea, and I am loathe to return to a place as godforsaken as that town, but it may be worth putting forward as a possibility.

The smell of these bodies is making me sick. I wonder if Cormac needs any help with what he's doing.

Entry 14

//Where to go next?//

I think I'm beginning to come to some sort of acceptance with Clovis. He still terrifies me. Underlying his familiar manifestation, there is a vast and unfathomable void. I made the mistake of looking to closely into his true form, and thankfully, I cannot bring myself to recollect it all at once, but if I were to try and describe it, it would be as if I were experiencing every single fear and nightmare that I have ever had within a single moment. Even that isn't properly adequate, but nothing written on paper could properly describe the abyss from which Clovis has sprung.

Despite this, he is still bound to Edward, and his primary goal is in keeping him safe. Cormac and I are important to that end, as he knows that we will do our best to protect Edward as well. He needs us to be strong, and doesn't really care at all about the ethics of how he goes about doing it. We're at least eye-to-eye on the opinion that summoning demons is probably one of the dumbest ideas that Cormac has had.

I'm having a hard time believing how Cormac even thinks that summoning a demon could even remotely be a good thing. Even if we can somehow bring one to deal with the Earl, we'd just be replacing the problem with a potentially bigger one. If we are going to take the Earl down, we're going to have to do it through our own means. I can't bring myself to allow what happened to Cartwright happen to Cormac. I've already lost Stephen and Arianne, I don't want to lose anyone else. If he's going to Naas, he'd better be ready to go without me.

I'm just worried that he actually might go anyways.

//Stephen, I wish you were still here to back me up at a time like this.//

Entry 15

//Still in Clane.//

We also have an unusual new friend, it seems. A wandering vagabond of a charming disposition, and with a surprisingly equal appearance. Most unusual about him is that far from sensing any evil about him, he seems absolutely unblemished to my second sight. I'm not really sure what to make of this. Itinerants such as him are not held by the church to possess much in the way of purity, so what is it about him that makes him appear an exception? I don't think that my talent would be common enough for him to be able to specifically disguise his nature from me. I've never specifically been able to see anything exceptionally "good" before though, either. Does goodness extend beyond the domain of the church, or could it be that I'm seeing something outside of the realms of "good" and "evil"? Then again, he could be a simply a truly good natured fool with a large run of good luck. It would be immensely fortunate for us if this is one of the allies that Arianne had sent for, though I admit a certain amount of foolishness in this line of thought. I hope for his sake, at least, that there is more to him than meets the eye or his luck may quickly run out if we're going to be travelling together.

I'm quite relieved that Cormac wasn't as set on his proposal as much as I thought. On one hand, I'm glad that it was a ruse, though I'm irritated sometimes with how far he takes things, especially when I can't what he's doing. I have been noticing a fairly strong pattern of people getting mad at him regardless of whether they believe him or not.

Today was also the first time I witnessed Edward entering Clovis's mind in the waking world. It was a little distressing seeing him enter an almost comatose level of sleep so immediately. I wonder if we enter the same deepness of sleep when we enter Clovis's dreamspace. On the bright side, it does a really good job of both keeping Clovis in check, while also allowing us to get things done even when stuck inside a one-room cabin.

On the topic of my own powers, I've noticed a strange side effect of my second sight. I seem to be either weeping or bleeding a strange black "ichor" of some sort from the left side of my face, where my other eye would be if I had one. I'm not sure what it is, or even if this substance is produced physically, or if it's some sort of supernatural substance. I don't really know which is more disturbing between the two. I should probably investigate this further when I don't have handsome drifters staring back at me and making me feel awkward.

Even though it was my own idea to return to Maynooth, I'm still apprehensive a bout what we might find there, or rather, what I might see. Witnessing the Black Mass a second time was terrible enough. Who knows if there are more unseen horrors there even worse than that? After everything I've seen it's a wonder that none of us have turned out like bishop. Then again, maybe we're already worse than than him, given that we're mad enough to visit Maynooth a second time.

Entry 16

Back in Maynooth again. The place feels even worse now that all the people are gone. Yet now that we're here, I'm feeling some anxiety about our likely confrontation with the old matron. Now that I think of it, we should attempt to get rid of her immediately or avoid her detection outright (quite difficult if we intend to do any serious research.) All she really needs to do bring the Earl's forces on us is the opportunity to utter his name, and then the best we can do is swipe as many books as we can before fleeing. If Edward and Clovis scout ahead and find where she is before we go in, we'll be able to come up with a plan put what Arianne taught us to use.

Maynooth seems to reek of feelings of death. It's almost as if the echoes of the horrors inflicted here nearly bleed out through the veil that hides the spiritual scars from human eyes. If the taint is this strong, how bad would things be if I were to actually use my second sight to witness the calamity that I triggered in this town? I've seen horrors to drive most people to a madness like Bishop's but I don't need more images of death to pile onto my already massive pile of experiences that I've managed to compartmentalize.

What Edward saw when I used my sight. The thing that seemed to tear it's way out of the space where my eye would be... Has it been lurking in the space between my mind and my skin this entire time? Is it a parasite feeding off of my darker thoughts, or is it just as much a part of me as my other eye? An expression of the place in my mind where I try to tear down the outward mask of the world that hides it's true corruption? What does that say about me? Is this what everyone really saw when they looked at me? Even if they couldn't see it for what it truly was, is this what they were afraid of in the back of their minds? Why they needed to stare, mock and ridicule me? Beauty is only skin deep, but I'm even more hideous inside than I am outide. I'm not just a freak, I'm an abomination! Edward never seemed to care about my eye growing up, but what does he think, now that he's seen what has really been hiding behind that pale patch of flesh? Sure, he's different too, but only in that he has a connection to Clovis. When he enters the cat's mind, he just falls asleep. Can he still look at me without thinking about that "thing" tearing it's way out of my eye socket like a worm through a rotten apple?

While I didn't talk to Bishop for any amount of time in our initial escort to Clane, his mental stability has made an observable slip since then. Cormac and I attribute it to the theft of his Bible, combined with his current assignment in escorting us back to Naas. While he hasn't made any explicit threats, he has uttered the thought that his life may be made easier were we to simply be dead. What did the matron (as I assume the primary contributor to his madness to be) do to him in Maynooth to drive him so insane. I can't imagine anything more terrifying than the unfeeling cold of the void of Clovis's dreamspace, and yet I've somehow managed to force that thought far away enough from my conscious thought to keep a hold of my senses. I wish I could help him through this, but I don't know how. I'm willing to confront the source of his madness, but unless we can get him to join us in this, he'll just remain a slave to his own terror. Our time here is limited though, and if we can't fix him soon, he could quickly become a liability, or potentially even a threat to us. If we can't help him, I'm afraid we may have to find a way to get rid of him before it comes to that. Lord help me, I'm starting to think like Cormac!

On nicer thoughts, our other strange new friend seems to be a capable and talented individual. What is more, he seems to have a surprising familiarity with occult knowledge, at least to the same level of my own, though likely even more. This furthers the odds that he is connected with the supernatural world, as he doesn't seem to have the patience for academics to have learned it from books. He has cited the power of names as an excuse for not giving us his, which may give him some common ground with demons, who can be called on through use of their name. Yet, he seems to pure inwardly to be a demon, yet one would think his cruder speech would be unbecoming for an angel. What then, could he be? While he isn't telling us who or what he is, he seems to be dropping hints about it. I still highly doubt he is just here for the company and the food. He must be here for some reason, be it to observe, protect, guide, subvert, or potentially eventually destroy us. I just wish he would tell us, and if he is truly interested in helping us out, it would be nice if he could give us some real advice aside from "learning to have fun".

If you have too much fun, people will notice and take away your fun while making fun of your missing eye. When that happens, I typically kick them where the sun don't shine and that just gets me in more trouble. I don't need fun so much as I want to have something resembling a normal life for me and my friends. I was even fine working for Cormac without the pay. We didn't have to worry about starving, and always had a roof under our heads. It would have been nice if the local bookstore didn't hold me with contempt, but at least I could just avoid him. How do you have fun in a world that is constantly trying to throw you to the ground?

Entry 17

I have a lot to cover in this entry, as a lot has happened over the past night and morning that is worth putting down.

I'm finally getting enough pieces of the puzzle that I've been able to start making connections. Whoever put that lock on the door to the study left it for those who who are "of their blood". Blood and lineage seems to be a recurring theme for us, it seems. The revanant dean was made submissive to our blood after having tasted it. Additionally, the strange sorrowful lullaby that I heard when I examined the lock seemed to resonate with what felt like a long forgotten memory of "home". Lastly, the lock was obviously put here since our last stay here. Whoever placed the lock here would likely have been whoever slew the Matron. The infernal theme of our powers would seem to point towards the horrific possibility that the Wizard Earl may the source of our power, if not our progenitor. Judging by the petrified soldiers that were also left in the aftermath of whatever happened here, it seems probable that the lock was placed here by the Vampire of Britain. Yet for him to be the one to have placed this lock here, he must either be in direct service to the Earl, or to have been here before, or possibly both. Either way, the Vampire of Britain is most certainly tied into this, but his actions seem to be counterproductive to the Earl's goals. He has on two past occasions acted to increase our mobility when he could just as easily seized us for the Earl. If the horrific end of the Matron-turned-Medusa is indicative of his handiwork, then it would seems that he is empowered with abilities beyond that of ordinary humans. I had a notion that the Vampire of Britain could possibly also be William Fitzgerald, which could explain quite a lot. The gaping hole in that theory is the Vampire's distinguished military career with the Vigil Black. Even if Fitzgerald were Immortal, as is the case with Cartwright, he would still be too old for the story of the Vampire's background to be passable. More likely that the Vampire is just one of many of the Earl's subordinates. Though that does make me wonder what has become of William Fitzgerald over the course of the past twenty years?

But what does it mean if this lock was meant for us? Did the Earl expect us to come here? Did the Vampire? If the Vampire did leave this here while putting down the revolt, he likely would have done it before our encounter with the Earl's servants in the fog. Were that the case, perhaps the lock was put here with the anticipation that we would have agreed to return to the Earl. Yet, perhaps by opening the lock, we may have triggered an alarm that could alert the earl or the vampire to our presence here. I should reexamine the lock again with my second sight to see if I could detect something like that.

That tome is VERY VERY dangerous. Just looking at it with my unseen sight caused part of my brain to commit suicide. I'm pretty sure whatever we're looking for isn't in that book, but It's too dangerous for it to fall into the hands of someone who actually can make sense of it. There are a lot of other tomes of forbidden knowledge here. Hopefully some of those may be a little less likely to induce a brain hemmorhage.

Again we have resorted to murdering yet another of our potential friends. While I share some of the blame in forcing the situation, the outcome is about the farthest from what I had desired by my actions. Why couldn't Edward have just given Bishop his Bible back. That's all that he wanted. As much as he seemed to fly into a murderous rage, it still seemed like it would have still been possible for Bishop to calm down had Edward just given it back. Instead, Edward has Clovis put us both to sleep and when I wake up, Edward's hands are stained with the blood of a broken man. As much as he tries to rationalize his actions, and as much as I want to believe him, that doesn't change what happened. I wish I could go back to when things were innocent, but I can't. We just seem fall further into damnation, becoming just the sort of monster I thought we were trying to fight against. I don't know why it seems so hard to see that there are other choices, but they seem to always make the "safe, and definite". I hate both Edward and Cormac! Can't we have a little faith in human beings rather than always killing them? Stephen, I keep trying to do the right thing, but it just isn't making a difference! They just look at me like I don't realize how serious the situation is. I'm not a foolish little girl! I know what's at stake here. I can see it far more clearly than they ever will, but they just don't get it! I may be driven to flights of hysteria more frequently than either of them, but only because I dare to look beyond the simple facade of the world and see it as it truly is. If they could see what I see they would understand why I don't agree with their actions. I'll just have to stay with them, and keep hoping I can change their path before they drag me down with them. Maybe with Fegann around, it'll be a little easier to keep them out of trouble. Hopefully whatever it is about his attitude that's keeping him so pure will rub off on them. As bad as things are getting, it never seems that bad when he's around. As much as he complains about us not knowing how to have fun, Fegann's managed to make me smile, even laugh a couple times. I'm just afraid that if I let myself be happy something really bad will happen to ruin it.

Entry 18

//From the Study//

I've gathered all that I can take with me that might prove useful here. Even still, I don't know to what end I will be able to put the information gathered here to. The amount of time we actually have to act within before we miss our chance to free Arianne is limited, yet uncertain. Yet if we confront our enemy unprepared, we merely be delivering ourselves to him.

We've found several books, each offering different methods that we could potentially use against the Earl, though some may present a higher risk in employing than others, and some will require an extensive amount of deciphering to be of any use.

The first of my own books was one that Cormac pointed out at random, and while it probably one of the more mundane books to be found in this study, it has potential for benefit in the long run. Entitled //Servants of the Edge//, it is a manual of style for use with two handed swords. Of course, I would need to find a two handed sword to wield, but I think we might be able to find one somewhere in the ruins of the University in the hands of one of those decorative suits of armor.

The second book I found is in latin, but the title translates to the //Salamander's Walk.// It entails what seem to be recipes, which I would guess to be works of alchemy. With enough studying and the right ingredients, I may be able to learn something from this that we can put to use.

The third of these is a work of outright blasphemy called //Sins of the Father: The Christian Heresy.// While I do not think that I will find much truth in the contents of this book, the date of it's writing leads me to believe that it is connected to the cult that the Wizard Earl must have created during his earlier reign. It may provide some insight into the mind and plans of the earl, himself.

The last of the books seems to be more directly related to our pursuit. It seems to be the primary volume of //The Keys of Solomon//, a book containing many various signs and rituals for the summoning and binding of demons and spirits, and who knows what else. If the "key" that Cormac found is close enough to the ones in this book, we may have found what we are looking for. Hopefully we can find a working key that we can actually use against the earl without bringing another problem into the world.

Edward has found and is studying a more recent journal containing some apparently incomplete research that traces the Fitzgerald family line into relatively modern times. This likely belonged to someone involved in the events of twenty years ago. I don't know how useful this research will be in the long run, but hopefully it will yield some positive benefits.

Cormac has also decided to take the dark tome with him. I hope it doesn't bring any more danger upon us than any of the other books. The script, if that is actually what it even is, is in a language or alphabet completely alien to me, and I don't think to have any chance of deciphering it without something to compare it against. Hopefully if he keeps it concealed it won't potentially affect my second sight further. Still, even when attempting to examine other objects while in its presence I feel my gaze drawn towards it against my will. Considering what happened to me the first time, I fear what might happen were I to gaze on it a second time. I would feel much safer if we had left it there among the other books, but by unsealing it, we have taken up the responsibility of keeping it out of the wrong hands.

And so we come to leave this place. I hope what we found will justify our coming here, and that we have not tipped the Earl off to our plans in coming here. If Fegann knows as much as I think he might of the power of names, I should ask him as to whether I may have accidentally called the Earl's attention to us. II'll save that line of questioning for later though. Cormac and Edward have been poking at him quite enough, and I'm sure own endeavors will only increase his discomfort. He has become very anxious to leave, and we have promised him that as soon as we are done here, to go find some alcohol and try to have some fun for once. I will do my best to humor him in this, and will try to put aside these thoughts and concerns for the evening, and enjoy myself at least this one time.

Entry 19

Thanks Cormac, thanks. Putting me on the spot like that really makes me feel confident about myself. Trusting Edward to just tell Fegann to leave rather than killing him, does not seem like it requires the same amount of trust compared to telling you how to summon a demon. Is it that hard for us to trust each other, or are you making a point that I can't even trust you? Do you really want to summon a demon, or is this a convoluted way to test how well I know you? Edward didn't seem to be lying about that. He told us how terrified he was about how much easier it was to kill people. Why shouldn't I believe that he was truthful about that? No. We need to be able to have faith in each other. I did it once when you went to the king's hand, and that turned out reasonably well. Who's to say this time won't be better. While I have my doubts about trusting you with information like conjuring demons, maybe in time, I could show you that we have better options on our hands.

Well, it looks like Cormac's financial concerns are over. Or at least now they've been replaced with concerns over what to do with it all. I'd be a little concerned if he had come upon that much wealth anywhere else, but here in Maynooth, anyone who may have hoped to be inheriting it most likely died in the massacre. On a side note, he did finally pay me for the assistance I gave back when he was trying the whole gunsmith business thing. I'd nearly forgot about that, but it's nice that he finally thought to compensate me for that once the money was available. Maybe now we can actually buy a few things that we need, like real medical care for once.

I'm not sure what to do with this axe we found in the ruins. While it could certainly be effective in a fight, it's not like I can hide it when going into a town. Maybe if we had a wagon or something similar, we could figure out how to conceal it. But at the moment, I'd need to hide something like this out in the woods before going into Naas.

I'd better be right about Edward on this. I still don't see why we need to decide to either kill Fegann or force him to leave. We could really use allies in what we're doing, and Fegann was willing to overlook what we are in accepting who we are (aside from his objection to my reading). Why is it so difficult to have allies without these foolish moral dilemmas on whether or not to kill them? It seemed like a stupid argument the first time with Thatch, and it still feels stupid now. It seems like Edward sees it that way finally. I just hope I'm right and Cormac's wrong on this one for once.

Entry 20

I thought I was the one who was holding us back. Did I give up on holding the others back. Did I choose to trust Edward because I just wanted to turn a blind eye to what we were doing? We could have avoided the patrol, reatreating back to maynooth and waited them out, or even waved the two passes that we did have on us, and hope that would get the three of us through. We could have even just given them the money. Even half of what Cormac had in that chest would still be more money than we ever had before we found it. There wee countless ways to avaid what happened, but we didn't think to take them. We've come to expect the necessity of murder, and so that's what we end up finding. All I had to do was not think of them as people, and only think of them as threats. At the time, I didn't think of them the same way I did Thatch or Bishop. I didn't want to. All I wanted to think about was killing them before they could kill us. But those soldiers were just as much real people as Thatch or Edward. My hands are stained just as red as Cormac's or Edward's. Their mangled corpses cry out for help, but I don't know how. Nothing i can do now can undo what has been done. All I can think to do is to keep moving forward, hoping that defeating the earl can give some meaning to their deaths. If we do fail, though, their deaths will have been for nothing, and the world will only be made worse by our living in it.

At least I saved Edward. But what victory is that? While I was the one that finished this fight, he was the one who started it. It feels like his attitude has become colder and harsher that it was before. It's like he's becoming more and more like Clovis. I know he said that he doesn't want killing to become easier, but is he really doing anything to stop that from happening? Am I doing anything to keep that from happening to me? Can we survive long enough to bring down the earl without losing ourselves?

My research into the Sins of the Father has drifted over into Edward's research on the Fitzgerald dynasty. If we can tie down which Fitzgerald is the "Wizard Earl", we may be able to find his real name. Both Arianne and Feghann said that names contain power, and while Arianne said that William giving the Earl a name was enough to give that name power, the closer we get to a true name for the Earl, the more power we may be able to use. If the rituals in the Keys of Solomon can summon and bind demons, It would be better to summon and bind the Earl, himself, rather than bring some other unknown demon in to fight for us. By bringing him to us, we'll be separating him from his power structure, removing that particular advantage he has over us. Then we'll just have to worry about getting rid of a demon.

Entry 21

Holding over in Mainham. Edward is in prison and Cormac seems to be making preperations to leave. In the current situation, Edward is being held for a trial and probable execution for what we did on the road. Surprisingly, both Cormac and I are able to go free. I wanted to say something in Edward's defense, but he didn't seem to want that. I'd like to talk to him before the trial, but it seems that we may already be of a collective understanding between the three of us that as long as he has Clovis with him, he'll be better able to get out of this situation on his own without our help. If we continue about our business, and leave before Edward escapes, the two of us at least should avoid further suspicion. Edward will still likely be labeled as a fugitive, which may mean that we won't be able to travel with him anymore if we want to avoid further confrontations with the law. Still, we can still keep in contact with him through dreaming, allowing us to keep him in the loop if we end up having to part ways for a time. I admit I'm worried about him travelling alone, but at this point we will be in even more danger if the three of us keep traveling as a group.

Mainham's doctor, a Cyril Morwyrd is an oddity for a village of this size. He is a very well educated Englishman, judging by his accent and bearing. He obviously sees himself as superior to pretty much everyone else in this country, which makes me wonder why he chose to come here unless only to lord his privileged education over the peasants like a god descending from olympus to mingle with the mortals. Still, after taken note of my belongings he seems to have taken an interest in me. I'm not sure if he is just toying with me or not, but it almost seems like he is trying to impress me. He seemed to make a note of referencing his family name, which may be some sort of subtle way of teasing me with the possibility that he might know something about magic. He also goaded Cormac into attacking him. I am less impressed with that, though I am surprised that he was able to incite Cormac to violence so quickly. Regardless, he seems fluent in Latin, and as long as I can trust him with the information, he may be able to assist me in translating the Salamander's Walk. It may be worth discussing this with him at some point, though I must be careful in how I go about it. I would prefer it if we could avoid killing him if we can help it.

Entry 22

What have you gotten yourself into this time Cormac? I leave him for a few moments, and he gets himself captured by the Vigil Black! Thanks to Cyril, at least I have a good idea where they're going, and with the scavenging we've done in Maynooth, I have a cart with enough goods to cut the time of the trip there to less than a handful of days. Even with the cart though, they'll still be able to move much faster than me, and on top of that, I'll need to backtrack to Maynooth again to bypass Clane.

If Comac took the money, I may need to sell some of oil or books that we haven't sold yet to pay for lodging. On top of that, I've never driven a cart before, so I may need to hire a driver to handle the driving and to take care of the horse. I'm wondering if it may be best to sell all the goods including the horse and cart as soon as I reach a large enough town like Naas, and hire a wagon or carriage. That could afford me time and privacy to continue my research on the way there, and as long as I can hold on to the extra money, would save costs of buying a new horse and cart if I lose the ones I have.

Maybe an ordinary person would be horrified by Cyril's hidden research, but as a whole I've seen things far worse than the mutilation of people who are already dead. I admit, the discovery has lessened his charm in my eye, and Cormac may not have even be captured, if he had not threatened Cormac with telling the vigil about us. As flattered as I am to be one of the extremely rare living individuals to spark his interest, I'm finding that he and Clovis have too much in common for my tastes. While he has not outright murdered anyone, himself, he has a distasteful fascination and delight in death, to the point of manipulating circumstances to increase the likelihood of obtaining fresh cadavers for his research. Still, I am grateful for his promise to rescue Edward from his execution, as well as what help he has given and offered. It would be nice to someday meet someone who values my intellect as much as him, without the whole being a creep that likes to keep bodies in his basement thing. He apparently is hoping to be able to gain Edward's assistance in the pursuit of his hobby after rescuing him. I'm a little concerned about what that "assistance" may be, but at least Edward will be alive.

Another strange howl, like the one that supposedly caused the ones that attacked us at the homestead to retreat. When I first heard it, even broken and unconscious, I could still hear it. Now, conscious, I can hear it Again. Like a dog, yet far more ancient and predatory, it plays on ancient instinctive fears. A wolf. Yet, I have read that there are no wolves in Ireland. Could it be that we have a werewolf following us in addition to everything else? Anyone else in this town, maybe even Cyril, would likely discount this howl as that of an ordinary wolf, but the world I know and am a part of does not give me the luxury of ignorance. If there is a werewolf following us, what does it want that we have not encountered it yet?

Entry 23

When I left Maynham to rescue Cormac, I didn’t expect to be doing it like this. While obstacles have gotten in my way, I somehow managed to get through them, even turning them in my favor somehow. Fegaan nearly killed me on the way out of maynooth, and he ended up helping me get as far as Naas. Cartwright only saw me as a bargaining chip, hoping to bargain my life for Arianne’s. Now he and his best men are riding out with me to rescue Cormac from the Vigil Black.

Fegann’s world is so different from mine. Or rather, while we share the same world, we look at it in very different ways. What I see as ghosts and demons, he sees spirits. He tried explaining it, though he felt restricted from being able to go into great detail. Even then, it is a lot to take in. I suppose it’s as if a person from a world of black and white suddenly was able to see one color, and then was told that there was an entire rainbow that they could still not see. I’m a little envious that he knows so much about his own world. By my own guessing, when I look at the world in my unseen sight, I can look into the spirit world itself, but only in a single hue. That might explain how Fegaan is the only thing that looks better than it normally does where everything else that stands out is twisted or wrong. I suppose I’ll need to accept that the world is even more complicated than even the world I see, because where my sight shows me an angel, I instead get a werewolf. Funny how that works. Still, I’m glad he’s not only still alive, but on my side. He may be the only one who can interact with the world I see directly, and could may be able to set things right. Though from the sounds of his solution to Cartwright and Kalesh, setting things right may not always be nice.

Speaking of Cartwright, I’m still a little surprised that I was able to get him to help us. It was a but of a struggle, but I think I made enough appeals to both his better and worse halves to convince him that we want the same thing, but for different reasons. I didn’t tell him that Fegaan might be coming for him when all this is over, but that may be good for me if I fail in getting Arianne back from the Earl alive. According to our arrangement if we can’t save Arianne, Cartwright has full rights to make my life a living hell worse even than what he did to Luca.

Luca... He’s suffered so much on account of us. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to recover from what Cartwright did to him. I’ve had enough of people suffering and dying because of our existence. Edward at this point would probably say that having him around will just weigh me down. Sometimes you need that weight to anchor you and keep you from being pulled out to sea in the storm. It may just be that he is delirious from the pain, or because I was able to bring him relief from the pain, but I think he might like me. I don’t really know how to feel about that. The last guy who was interested in me turned out to be a backstabbing creep. I may be too quick to attach myself emotionally to anyone who seems to take the slightest interest in me. I’m worried that Cartwright may have picked up on that, and may use that against me somehow. Still, I want to help him any way I can. I want him to get through this mess alive and go back to something resembling a normal life after this.

We’re now heading directly to Monastervin, where Cartwright believes Cormac really is being held. If Cyril is working for the Earl, like Cartwright thinks, Edward may be already captured by the Earl, so in the end, it may just be the two of us left to face the earl. Thankfully, I bargained for some actual time and resources to research a means of binding the Earl. Hopefully the two months will be enough time to find something. I know the solution exists somewhere. The Earl’s true name must be written somewhere here in Kildate. I just need to find it. First however, we’re going to have to save Cormac from the Vigil, and it’s not as if that won’t be a challenge in itself.

Entry 24 Eight weeks of research and the only solutions I've found are the ones I don't want to take. I was hoping that maybe I could use the rituals in this key to craft a ritual unique to the Wizard Earl, but even then the rituals I've learned can only conjure and get them in a talkative mood, and won't help with any sort of banishment.

Again, each rank of demon is likely to come with a higher cost as it's rank increases. Theoretically, a lesser demon would be easier to appease, but the extent of what it could easily do would be limited by their strength and domains. Finding both Arianne and Fegaan's people would be fairly easily accomplished even by the lowest demon conjured, but the cost would still be to paint another stroke of sin onto God's canvas. Still, if I don't, won't I just be allowing for worse things to happen? I need a better path, but I can't find one. maybe if I had decided to look into it earlier, I could have found a way to get through this by way of alchemy, or finding a different type of ritual entirely, but I'm out of time for other solutions, and Cartwright, Cormac, even Lucca, are all expecting me to have found it. I know that Cartwright and Luca would do anything to get Arianne back, and Cormac and I probably should, but is the cost too great? Would she accept me doing this in order to save her? She did this once to bring Cartwright back, but she can't stand to be around him anymore. If I follow in Arianne's footsteps in order to save her, will she be relieved, or disappointed? I want to do the right thing, but I just don't know what that is... If it comes down to it, I'll do what' is required of me to get Arianne back, stop the Earl, and help Fegaan's people. I just want another way

Entry 25

It is done. A room is now tainted in the blood of those undeserving of their fate. I need to remember that it was necessary. As horrific as my actions were, They were necessary. There was no other option. I needed that information to have any chance of rescuing Arianne finding the werewolves, and stopping the Earl. I don't know if I can bring about a greater good, but perhaps I can have a lesser evil. Regardless, I'll need to reach the end for the death I've caused to serve any purpose.

Cormac and Luca were both too horrified to try making any bargains of their own. Luca to the point that he lost all memory of Glasya. Dissapointing that he still remembered the ritual. Still, this is what they wanted, after all. Me, doing whatever it takes to get Arianne back. They should be pitying me, for what they had me do, instead they are probably horrified and disgusted. It's not like I wanted to do this. If I were given the time, I would have kept looking for other ways, but this was the best option we had. It's not like anyone else was even looking for other options, so why should I be the one to be held in judgement?

Still, enough dwelling on the past. What's done is done. I need to focus on finding Fegaan's pack in two weeks time. That will probably be my responsibility. I'm not sure how safely Cormac will be able to travel outside of Naas, how how much I can for that matter. The Vigil was looking for me as well, before we broke Cormac out, and they may still want to hunt me down for my part in organizing Cormac's escape. While there is the obligation to notiffy Fegaan's kin of his death, I'm not sure how much we can truly offer them in their war agianst the Vigil and the hounds. I'm not even sure they won't attack me as soon as they smell the demon fragment that I'm now apparently carrying, on top of what I was already. Never mind that I'm apparently not even supposed to know that they exist, From the sound of things,not all of Fegaan's family are as friendly as he was, I'll need to be very careful with what I say to them.

Entry 26

Being thorough, we've arrived in Robertstown a few days early to be sure that if we ran into any delays, we would still have a wide enough window of time to find them. That should hopefully give me time to get a good idea of where I might be able to find out exactly where they would most likely be found if they are keeping a low profile. The information that I have gained from Glasya was unspecific on the purpose of them being here. It could be that they are stopping here for supplies, in which case, there would likely be some talk of travelers in town within the next couple days. On the other hand, if they are here on some business pertaining to their war, or their duty to the realm of the spirits, they may not even enter the town proper, as was the case in Maynooth twenty years ago. In which case, finding a place in or around the town with a strong spiritual aura could potentially let me know where they will most likely be. Finding a place such as that will be easier now than before, as a result of my transgressions. I'm not happy about what I did to those men, but it's not like I had any real choice in the matter at that point. All I can do is make sure that the sacrifices were not in vain.

It also looks like Cormac picked up a new friend working for the King's Hand. A few months ago, I think I would have been more concerned over her habits of stealing or mugging, but given what I've done, I don't have a right to judge. It's was interesting hearing the two of them interacting on the other side of the wall. It's strange how much the two of us actually have in common. I just hope that she won't end up sharing the same fate as the last friend that Cormac made in the King's Hand. If we can't bring down the earl with too many more deaths, we won't really be all that better than the Earl.

Entry 27a //Waiting at the Checkpoint//

Tragedy seems to follow me, and it seems that no matter what I do, I can't do anything to avert it. If it wasn't for the fact that I need to keep moving forward to give her father's death meaning, i would have given Sophie the justice she wanted. I just can't face that now. There are too many deaths behind me, and too many lives at stake ahead if I fail. I'll let her have her justice once this is over, but my work here is not yet complete. Ironically, I think I may have done her a favor in not allowing her to finish me right then. At least now, the rest of the town will likely know of my actions. An execution in a town square will have less repercussions for her than a murder in a church.

Still, I don't know why Bones would set me up like that. While I know we haven't been on the friendliest of terms all the time, I thought we would have had enough of an common understanding that she wouldn't conspire to get me killed. If I see her again, I'll give her a piece of my mind.

It's gotten really dark out here. I'm not sure if it's my imagination or not, but I have a pretty strong feeling that I'm being watched. Hopefully it's the werewolves. Hopefully they're in a talking mood. I've seen Fegann when he gets angry, and he's supposedly the friendliest of the bunch.

27b //Riding back to Naas//

That could have gone a lot worse, though it could have gone a lot better. I lost my temper, and what I had hoped would only cause some pain and bruising practically dislocated her nose into her frontal lobe. I did my best to fix her up, and she should hopefully recover with time and rest, but she's going to need lots of rest and painkillers for a while. At least with all the opiates in her system, she's currently in a better mood than she usually is. I wish I could say the same for Cormac. After my most recent outburst, he's not even giving me the the benefit of even trying to believe me that I didn't shoot Sophie. Never mind that I was acting in self defense, and even managed to stop her from bleeding to death, he's acting like I tried to murder the woman. As I see it, I did the best I could, given the circumstances, but he's not even trying to listen at this point.

Regardless, the whole incident between the three of us was witnessed by our hopeful allies, and probably didn't help to cast us in the best of lights. On the bright side, Bones's altered mental state left her senses dulled enough to not take leave of them at the sight of Fegaan's people. Cormac took it upon himself to lead the discussion, and while I would have done things differently in his position he did well enough to keep his head from being ripped off, he managed to get them to agree to come to Nass to at least hear Cartwright out on his proposal of an alliance. Even then, Cormac and I will still likely have our work cut out for us to make this work. Under normal circumstances the two parties would be at each other's throats, and even with a common enemy, and even some common interests, both parties would seem to have certain qualities that make negotiations a little tense. Cartwright still hasn't even made clear the benefits that an alliance would bring to Brocc and his people, aside from the sanctuary of his territory. Would they see much benefit in any aid in terms of force of arms that we could bring to bear? While they have at least shown us the courtesy of referring to us as if another pack, we are only children in their eyes, and while they most likely aren't aware of what it is that we can do, it seems that they are of a mind that we would only slow them down. It seems probable that they don't know exactly what we are, or what we can do just yet. Given their supposed role in preserving some sort of balance between humans and spirits, their senses are probably more attuned to the goings on of the spirit world than I am. They can still sense a lingering connection between us and Fegaan even with two months between now and when we last saw him just by smelling him. At the very least, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I can swing an axe better than Fegaan could in his human form.

I would like to spend more time talking with them if any among them are open to discussing our respective natures. Brocc at least, may know more about our origin than what we already know. He may even have a name for what we are. Even a proper name given by someone with a higher understanding of the different varieties of human-spirit hybrids or relationships would help in coming to terms with what I am. Like Fegaan said, names contain power. If I can have a name for what it is that I am, it could at least on a psychological level give who I am some level of authority over what I am. If I somehow live long enough, I could even change the direction of who I may eventually become. Like they said, I won't ever be what they are, but if I can convince them to let me learn what I can from them, maybe I can become something a little different from what I am.

Back to the forging of this alliance. I think it would be best if we treat our part in these negotiations as being separate from Cartwright. After all, Cartwright has given me a certain level of authority, having made it clear already this whole idea of making a coordinated effort to rescue Arianne by force is largely my own, and that his default plan, was to exchange the lot of us to the Earl for her release, which still in his mind is still a valid fallback plan. Additionally, the werewolves obviously hold reservations on alinging themselves with Cartwright, but could be more open to an alliance with us. If we can present the alliance as the two factions coordinating with us rather than each other, we could serve as a binding agent that holds this thing together. I wouldn't be surprised if that was Cartwight's plan all along. I just hope that Cormac hasn't already shifted the pack's bias too far in the other direction by presenting us as representatives of Cartwright.

Entry 28

It looks like our "Alliance" is coming together. Not everyone seems as happy about it as I would like. Finian seemed to have lost interest in inciting the two groups to violence once Cormac and I made it clear that this mission would happen regardless of any lasting peace between Cartwright and the werewolves. One thing that he did do, was to cast doubt on Cartwright's truthfulness in his offer to grant the werewolves a safe harbor. When prodded, Cartwright was very reluctant to guarantee this, and became close to hostility when Cormac and I began to push him on the matter as well. In the end though, It looks like Brocc finally got what he wanted from Cartwright in the end by forcing a sort of blood oath out of him. With the promise of refuge secured, it seems like Brocc and Nisha, at least are willing to help us. Marcus will probably be cont with the resolution, and while Finian will not be happy about it, I think he will fall in with the rest of the pack for now. As long as he and Cartwright can keep their distance from one another, it should not be a major concern.

What has interested me a lot more in all this, is that Nisha at least may be willing to help me with coming to terms with what I am. This may just be what I'm hoping for. I mean, as far as I can tell, even with their shortcomings, they seem to have a higher purpose that they are working towards. If they are willing to let me help them with what they are doing, maybe their purpose can be mine as well. Maybe by working with them, I may be able to make amends for what I've done so far without being burned at the stake after all. If Cormac and I were able to unite Cartwright and the Werewolves to a common goal, I may be able to do the same for myself after all. Resolve the conflict between the infernal spirit and humanity, and make myself into something greater. Something not demon, human, or even werewolf, but something else entirely that the world has never seen. Cormac and I have already done something previously considered impossible today, maybe we can do more.

Entry 29

Talking with Cartwright again, I'm worried I may be losing focus on what we are here to do. While I very well may have run into one of the three others like us, he may not be of any consequence in trying to accomplish our goals. It's just strange that I keep running into pleasant enough people, when I'm expecting death around every corner. It's just that after all the anxiety and worry, the past couple of hours have been like something out of a fairy tale. Okay, Cyril may not exactly be a prince, but he is certainly charming. Sneaking into a masquerade ball and dancing with him like that, it felt like something from a dream. It's almost enough to make me forget that he keeps cadavers in his basement. I know that Cyril's actions in the past have not entirely been in our benefit, but I think we can trust him to help us, at least as far as finding Arianne. He's had plenty of opportunity to stop us in our tracks, but he decided not to. Like he's said before, he is a bit of a rebel, to the point of living in a shack in the middle of nowhere. Maybe he just doesn't care about his inheritance. He has a very arbitrary code of conduct, which seems to be based on what seems more entertaining for him, which should hopefully work in our favor, considering how interested he is in me.

He did catch me a bit off guard when I told him about taking down the Earl. While it is on my to-do list, I really don't have a plan for how to do it. With what Brocc said, even if we do destroy his physical form, he may be able to come right back. Maybe if I actually do find more than just Arianne and the Earl here, I may be able to uncover a way to succeed at this, or at least a way that I would still be able to live with.

Entry 30

Ugh, what's happening? My outsides and insides feel like they've been tossed between a hammer and anvil. That and- Someone is carrying me? Stephen! He's alive! But wait- I remember now. This isn't stephen. One of those demons and spirits is just using his corpse as a puppet. Pretty much the exact thing I was worried about the moment I heard those parasites took him.

I must have failed then. The werewolves must have come too late, or not at all. Who knows how many of us died, or are going to? After all the allies and preparations I somehow managed to scrape together, I still couldn't do it. In the end I wasn't strong or smart enough to get Arianne out. In uniting everyone together, I've delivered everyone into the hands of their enemies. Cartwright to the Vigil, the Pack to the Hounds, and Cormac and I to the Earl. I just hope that if I'm finally going to meet him face, I'll have the opportunity to beat him to the punch in going over that obvious piece of irony.

So. Clavis and her sister are Fitzgeralds after all. A point towards the likelihood of them two of the seven. From the evidence gleaned so far from the ghoul and lock underneath maynooth, it would seem that that our bloodline is tied either to the earl directly, or to someone very close to him. Judging by the sister's reputation and the look on her face, I may be in for one hell of a homecoming. I really hope she has the decency to let me recover a bit before she decides to fight or torture me.

So what do I do now? What does the earl have planned for me? I don't have the strength to stand against him directly. Should I just give in and submit to whatever plans he may have for me? Fight, and most assuredly die with only the dignity that I did so for my beleifs? I may have to play along for now, biding my time for an opportunity to get away. Cormac's better at that than I am, though sometimes I can't tell if he's playing along, or just following whoever seems to have the most power over him. I know I could never truly fall to the Earl's side. Not even now, after I lost everything. Not with Stephen's reanimated face as a reminder of the people I've lost to him.

Entry 31

It's strange how I can feel simultaneously clever and foolish at the same time. As it turns out, I was mostly right in my suspicions of who we really are. What I did not expect was how our homecoming would be received. I thought Maxillia's hostility on the ride home was out of resentment for the very audacity that I might be related to her. I didn't even remotely consider that they remembered... even missed their sister and brother after all this time. I don't know if I should apologize. I suspect that while Clavis is more prone to revealing his emotions, I think my ignorance affected her in much the same way.

But why should I? Does this revelation change anything? The Femora she knew is gone, and no matter how many times, She, the Earl, or even Clavis calls me that, we aren't ever going back to what we had before. I don't even like the name "Femora". "Femora Fitzgerald"? The name fails in rolling off the tongue, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know what our father is up to, and why he seems like a dying old man, but I know he must be up to something. This plan of his, of "the strongest inheriting the Earldom" must be some sort of trick. Demons shouldn't care about mortal legacies. Like Brocc said, if the earl dies, he'll just come back. If the Wizard Earl truly is dying, it would just be his mortal shell. He could just as easily find a new body. Maybe that's what we're really here for. Fresh suits for our father to wear. That's as good a theory as any.

As it stands, I am simultaneously in the best and worst place I could possibly be right now. My enemy almost literally welcomed me into his house with open arms. If it weren't for the ghosts wandering the halls, I would probably be free to wander on my own. The infuriating thing thing is that, I feel he knows all this. He knows how much I hate him, and lengths I would go to to destroy him, and yet, he doesn't do anything about it. It's like he wants me to just try something just to prove how infantile my efforts are. To him, I'm just his foolishly rebellious teenage daughter. In here, he can probably see my every move, and hear my every thought, and there is nothing I can do about it. Any plan I come up with here is probably doomed to failure, as he wouldn't even let me try if I could actually stand a chance against him. Still, I need to remain steadfast in my resolve. A house divided against itself cannot stand, and Father has already set in motion the division of his house. I'll right now, it seems I just need to play along until I can find out what the Earl's real plan is, and how to stop it.

Odd. I didn't really give any thought into it, but I just realized that I'm a noble now. Lady Femora Fitzgerald... Still don't like the sound of it, but it is made a bit better with the "Lady" in front of it. Still, Cyril would probably have some cutting remarks on our names... Oddly enough, my new-found status would now make us a more suitable match. Would that make me less interesting to him, I wonder? On the other hand... The Fitzgeralds and the Morwyrds are pretty closely tied, and Cyril would seem to be a little bit older than me. If he knew who I was when we first met, then he may have been considering the potential benefits that a marriage to a Fitzgerald might bring. With me having a place in line for the Earldom, any future generations of Morwyrd would be brought into line for the Earldom of Kildare, or at least, eligibility for any lower titles, such as a Barony that might open up. Clever. I really should hold that against him for not telling me, but for some reason, I find him all the more attractive. I wonder if he'd still open to helping me destroy the earl. I think I'm looking forward to his next visit.

I wonder how Cormac is taking this, I wonder? He's probably all giddy at the possibility that he may be able to resume his studies with the Vigil. I really wonder about him sometimes. He really just doesn't seem to care that much about the big picture, always focusing on his immediate benefit without thinking about any greater moral repercussions of his actions. He always just falls in line with whatever crowd he finds himself in, not thinking about what ends are being served in the bigger picture. I at least try to look at the bigger picture and work it as much as I can towards a greater good. I guess the benefit of his philosophy is that his conscience probably can find it easier reconcile his actions when he isn't the one coming up with the plan, and everything fails. He's not the one who has to live with the knowledge that if I fail, or simply give up, then everyone who died because of my actions will have died for nothing.

Entry 32

Father's twisted game has begun, it seems. No more than an hour after having Edward (or Talus, as Father calls him) reunited with us, we are cast into a seething vortex of tortured souls, spirits, or some other form of supernatural terror, to begin some sort of trial that will supposedly each give us something that will "complete" us.

I did not have a chance to learn what the others are missing, but it seems that the thing that I'm lacking is what father promised me a very long time ago. I don't even remember the exact promise, even. I just remember being the girl who was promised. It must have been so some time after I became Neila but before I stopped remembering being Femora. Father told me that I would one day have my other eye when I was ready for it. I had assumed that it was meant in a more figurative manner, in the awakening of my second sight. As it turns out, father's promise was quite literal. It creates a lot for me to consider. Is this truly my own eye, that was somehow separated from me, or is this some sort of alchemical creation of father's? How will I be able to put it back into my head, and what of whatever it is I have that seems to be already occupying the socket for my eye? I'm assuming that it must be more than just an ordinary eye, but what exactly does that truly mean? If I find it, will I truly be empowered, or will it enslave me to father's will? I'll need to be careful not to pursue this blindly. I'll need to use what vision I already have when obtaining this. I must find out the nature gave the earl is playing in order to beat him. That's my only real opponent here.

I may have found an ally in the most unlikely person. Thanks to Uncle Williams note, I don't just feel validated, but that I'm no longer alone. While he may not be able to express it openly, and he may not even allow himself to remember, but there's a part of him that regrets what has come about by his actions, and wanted to protect us from whatever is coming. What's more, his note referred to me by my preferred name. That's more than even Cormac has been willing to do for me lately. Just that makes him feel more like a real father to us than the Earl ever could.

Cormac and his ambitions. I wouldn't mind it that much if I didn't feel like it was a higher priority to him than stopping the Earl's plans. When it comes down to it, would he side with the Earl to protect his own interests, even with the knowledge that he is being manipulated to some dark ends? Tempting as it is to have goals outside of finding and stopping the Earl's plans, I can't let any of that get in the way. I'm not going to let my guard down. I my suspicions have been confirmed that the earl really is plotting something sinister. I just need to find what it is.

Edward seems to be doing better than I thought. I'm surprised and relieved that he still cared enough about us to come here, even thinking that it may be the end for all of us. I don't know whether he thinks I've changed sides or not, but I'm hoping he finds the note I gave him. I don't know how much I'll be able to openly share with him at this point.

Entry 33 (unmailed letter to father) Dearest Father, Robert Fitzgerald, Earl of Kildare,

How are you? How generous of you to send us to this wonderful deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The local fauna is breathtaking. Literally. We already lost Maxillia to whatever that thing in the woods was, and I probably lost about ten years of my own life snatched up by that thing. I don't know what that creature is, but I'm almost certain you had something to do with it, along with the mysterious death of the French dictator twenty years ago. We haven't killed it yet, but I'm going to enjoy figuring out how, along with any other friends of his that might be here.

It must seem a little ironic that the person among us who would seem the most suitable choice to inherit the earldom would be the first to die. Still, it’s disappointing that just when we were finally warming up to each other, Maxillia had to get killed by that thing. She was even beginning to come around to my way of thinking before the end. I’m sure that if you’re somehow able to watch all this, you’d probably be amused by it all.

I don't care about this stupid succession game of yours at this point, not that I really did in the first place. The only reason I care about that eye is the possibility that it could give me the power to get us out of here, or cast you back into the inferno, permanently. Of course you know that about me already don't you? Of course you do. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm going to keep doing whatever I can to end you. I don't care about what happens to the dynasty, or your marionette empire for that matter. Whoever ends up with it can keep it, as long as I have the satisfaction that you aren't the one ultimately pulling the strings anymore. My priority is making sure the rest of us who are here are able to get off this island alive.

It seems Clavis has finally woken up now. I'm sure he's thrilled at finding that his quantity of known living sisters has gone back to the previous status quo. I sure hope that this doesn't end up forming a wedge between you. It most certainly did when your little grave worms took Stephen from us.

Most Insincerely, Your ungrateful daughter, Femora, “Neila” Fitzgerald

PS: Please die and never return from the fiery pit you came from!

Entry 34

Only one full day, here, and I already feel trapped in here. This house has too many windows, I can't so much as read a book in peace without that Ankou out there staring in at me, tapping on the doors and pressing against the windows... Can't concentrate! I hate this! being stuck in here all day, and I haven't been able to find anything beyond a rusty kitchen knife and a pot of rotting stew! I couldn't even manage to figure out how get past a locked door. I just... need to find productive to do. At least we know what it is. But even that knowledge is useless without a way to find out its weakness. At least Cormac and Edward were able to go out and do something productive. I feel like I'm just wasting time in here, and time is a commodity that I just just lost ten years worth to that that Ankou. We need to find these missing pieces and get it done quickly, We can't spend months playing house in Napoleon Bonaparte's retirement home.

Just what are you really, and how did you get here? Why do you have a ghost trailing behind you? Were you once a man, like the vampire that was James Hunt? If so, is there any fragment of the man you once were lingering inside. Or is that man gone entirely, the body now host to nothing more than the raw hunger sated only stealing the lives of mortals? Maybe the man never was, and you were always what you are; a spirit of death set loose from your native realm to create chaos on the human plane. So many questions that you only answer with silence.. You simply stare in at me from the other side of the glass. But I can stare back at you, monster. I can things that are hidden from human sight. I have seen things that would destroy most mortal minds, and yet here I stand. You may be able to scare me, but I know you can't hurt me as long as you stay on that side of the glass. I WILL find your weakness and then I will use it to destroy you.

Entry 35

Right, well. The dream is over. I'm glad we could be at some help to Cormac and Edward, and that they at least have been able to make some progress. I'm still irritated with myself for getting us into this situation. I'd feel a lot more useful if I were able to help keep the Ankou's attention away from them. Nothing to do right now but rest and recover. I haven't really done a good job of it today, so maybe being stuck down here will make me sit still for long enough to actually get better.

Oddly enough this setup reminds me vaguely of Cyril's little laboratory. Maybe that's why I'm more irritated with myself than with him for getting me stuck in a pit like this. Still, it's a shame that of all the traits he could have picked up from Cyril, a liking for ladderless cellars was one of them.

I worry about Edward a lot. But it's good to see that he isn't wholly incapable of getting over his paranoia. Edward and Clavis's fight, as much as it may seme to run contrary to the idea, shows that he may actually be coming to accept Clavis more than he would let on. After all, he could have easily killed him and thrown him off the cliff, but instead he only knocked him out. He even trusted Clavis enough to bring him into his dream. While I don't think I can trust him with the lives of outsiders, I at least feel I can trust him with our own lives. He may no longer feel any guilt over the people he's killed, but I think there is something about the sense of family that he stills holds sacred. After all, like he said earlier. He needed to be here with us at the end. He will keep Cormac safe while he finds his missing piece, and then they will come back for us.

Speaking of missing pieces, I still have no idea where mine is, let alone what it might be able to do for me. If it gives me any extra supernatural sight beyond what I now have, maybe it will give me some much needed foresight to not wind up in situations like this. I have a hunch that there is something in the attic, but it may not be what I'm looking for. Still, why did I move from the library to the room with the door? Was I following the Ankou? I wish I had even a rough idea of what happened to me when I looked into it. I suppose I should see it as a gift, being able to lock away memories like that, or I'd be less sane than Bishop was. Edward and Cormac have it easy, being blissfully ignorant of the things outside the realm of the naked eye. Clavis and I on the other hand, we get to be the crazy ones that have to cope with seeing things that humans really shouldn't have to.

Entry 36

I don't think the death of a family member should feel like this. Cormac's dead, but it doesn't feel like it at all. Not with his ghost still with us, throwing furniture around and shoving his thoughts into our heads. With the strong possibility that we may be able to bring him back, the impact of Cormac's death feels more like a curable disease than a departure from the mortal world. As long as I know he's still with us, and that there is a good chance we can bring him back in once piece, I feel like we can move forward.

Edward was less than understanding of my actions yesterday. I understand why, but I'm still a little irritated. Sure, going into those tunnels on my own could have very likely gotten me killed, but it's not like that was my plan. I was trying to keep us alive. The only reason I fell in there was because I was worried about them. I know I didn't have time for that. At least when he was down there, he had the benefit of a light. It would be nice if he could have even the slightest shred of empathy for what it's like being down there on your own in complete darkness. Not f***ing fun at all! Still, after what happened to Cormac, I get it that we can't afford to lose anyone else. We also can't afford to go running after anyone else's piece without a safeguard in case anyone else dies. I just need to let the frustration go and focus on working together. We are going to get Cormac back, but I need to stop taking risks on my own. Right now, I can't afford to be second-guessing everything Edward does. I can still be helpful in a support position. I've managed to figure out where we are, after all, and hopefully we'll be able to find the wall bearing Clavis's name. I don't know yet if Cormac's message will tell us where in the city to find it, or what we we should do once we get there, but at least I have a few ideas where to start.

Entry 37 //She's buying a stairway to heaven.//

Here it is. A place where the dead can find new life. I don't feel comfortable here, but that's because I am not ready to stay here just yet. It's not quite heaven. The ruler of this domain does not appear to be the same as her subjects. While powerful, she doesn't seem to be omniscient, making her more likely a spirit of some sort than a ghost or god.

I feel terrible or Ulna, while she still resembles the age that she would have died at, she seems to have become distorted over time. It is good to finally have a conversation with her where she actually acknowledges me as something other than a threat to her brother. The re-acquaintance was still not ideal for either of. I'm far older than the Femora she remembers, and I still don't really remember her at all. Still, it's good that we can now acknowledge each other as siblings, and that she presently has other avenues for communicating with me than throwing furniture at me.

It's nice to have Cormac back, too. He's still not altogether here yet, but at least he's cogent, and I can see and touch him again. He's still just as much of an ass as he was before, but became accustomed to that a long time ago. It's going to be difficult, returning to the mortal world again, maybe worse than when he died. It will probably be the same between Clavis and Ulna. It would be nice if they could remain as lucid as they are now. Even if we they wouldn't seem as close as they are here, at least they'd be able to remember us all.

As unsettling as this place feels, there are much worse places to go when you die. With what I've done, I don't see myself going anywhere nicer if I let nature take its course. I've made an arrangement with the Lady of the realm to potentially allow me a place here. My part of the deal is to bring another subject to her domain. While this may at first hearing seem to involve human sacrifice, like in some of my past dealings with immortal outsiders, it would actually be quite possible to do so without stooping to that. It seems that there have been others, both mortals and undead that have brought ghosts to this realm. If I can make contact with a ghost that matches the lady's prerequisites, it would just be a matter of convincing them that coming here would be in the best interest of accomplishing the task that binds them to the world. Then it would just be a matter of bringing their anchor here. If the lady allows it, I could actually do a lot of good for the restless souls in the world. This realm may not be the best place for the dead to go. Just like the physical world, corruption and crime still seem to be present, but I can tolerate that for a place where death has no meaning. As far as afterlifes go, this is a far cry from eternal damnation.

On another more troubling note, It seems I have started a bad habit of banging on the doors in my sleep. Very troublesome, considering our nightly caller. When we return, we should make sure that we put safeguards in place so that I can sleep without the risk of bringing death down upon all of us. Is this a form of the madness that eventually brings those who are trapped by the Ankou to their deaths, or is there something more to it beyond that? If I could only get a fraction of my memory of what I saw when I gazed into the Ankou, I may be able to make sense of it. For now, I have yet another supernatural condition to contend with.

Entry 38

We've returned from the lady's realm, and I am even more hungry, tired and wounded than before. We need to complete the lady's mission and do it quickly. I'm worried I may slow everyone else down in my present condition.

Why couldn't I have found a better way to obtain the necessary information than making a pact with a demon? I can't say that I didn't already have a tendency to lash out, but I could control it as long as I wasn't directly provoked. I have a hard time talking to the others about it. I don't know if they know or not, and telling them may seem like I'm making excuses for my behavior. I just couldn't let him think he can just start and end fights like that. He could have killed Clavis and then where would we be?

Edward and Cormac have begun using their position as heirs of Kildare to their advantage. Clavis even, for all his social confidence can at least manage the civilities of court. All I really know is what I've learned from history. I may know the names of kings, emperors, and Earl's, but I truly have no idea of how to present myself as nobility. What is my plan if, once this is all over, one of us does end up inheriting the Earldom? The rest of us will presumably still be nobles, likely with a lesser titles of baronies or fiefdoms. Even if we intend for the best, without proper training, will we be able to manage the realm successfully? I suppose even if I lack the proper conduct of a proper noblewoman, I may be able to do use what I do know from history to my advantage. Even though I may have been outsmarted by my father in my capture, I was still able to accomplish my primary goal of getting Arianne out of his hands.

I managed to orchestrate an alliance between two enemies to work towards a common cause. I even was able to, with Cartwright's resources, get us good enough invitations and disguises to get most of us into the ball unnoticed. Given time to plan, I can manage a whole lot. Just right now, though, I don't really have one, which is probably why I keep making mistakes. If I had the time and resources to devise an actual plan, maybe we wouldn't be in a situation like this where half our group is dead, and the other half is slowly wasting away. Now, we don't have the time for something like that, unless we want Cormac and Ulna to lose most of themselves again.

Entry 39 I’m having a hard time believing what I think I experienced in that fight. I can barely describe what I think was happening in the heat of the battle, but I seemed to repel and recover from blows that would have killed me under normal circumstances at least several times. If I wasn’t so completely lost in the fury of battle, I probably wouln’t have been able to cope with it all. As it stands, I remember Gelindra grabbing me and robbing me of my strength. My arms felt weak, and fragile as a dead branch in the cold of winter. All the muscle and sinew withering like vines rotting off a tree or tower in winter, leaving the arm exposed to snap and break. I couldn’t tolerate that. The feeling of weakness on such a literal level... I couldn’t let her do that to me. I needed to get it back or die trying. It seems foolish, but it almost felt like I had become fury given form, with claws and teeth as sharp as a wolf, and a hide thick as to make axe wounds feel as paper cuts. When I came to my senses, my hands, for but a moment, remained sharp, and my words seemed to come as a deep growl. Maybe I am finally truly losing my sanity to all the bizarreness. Me, a werewolf? The idea is absurd. I’ve talked to werewolves enough to know that while we both share an oversimplified classification as being both spirit and human, for me to will myself to become a werewolf would be like a potato willing itself to become an orange. The only explanation aside from battle madness, would be that Michael was able to reshape me in the heat of battle into one more suitable for battle.

Clavis and Edward, though... I nearly lost them. If it wasn't for Michael and his whatever magic he was using, we would probably be all dead as reward for completing the Lady’s task for her. What sort of magic is it that Michael and Gelindra use? It seems to be far beyond father’s alchemy from what I have seen. Even if what I experienced in battle was my imagination, Michael is at least able to heal wounds even more rapidly than Father’s elixir, and without pain, as well as giving me herculean strength. These two. They seem almost like gods in power, yet for all their power they still are born as mortals, and they still die as mortals, even if it may take longer than others.

And so the Dream dies with its dreamer, and with it the hope I might have of some place a being like me could have safe harbor after death. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Gelindra the moment she marked me with only my understanding of her terms rather than a true agreement. In some ways spirits and demons are easier to deal with. While they may find ways to twist the terms of the pacts, only humans have the capacity to break them. Her world began as such a beautiful thing. It was a dream I would have wanted to still be true. Unfortunately, her desire for immortality gave rise to her sin, which ultimately produced the death of her world. While we may have laid the final blow, she spread the seeds for her own destruction. What will happen to the ghosts still trapped in this realm when it is destroyed? Will they return to this world somehow, or will they cease to exist entirely? Snuffed out, like a stillborn child in the womb of their dead mother, never to be born into whatever life comes next? Did we cause this, or are we just, as always, a catalyst accelerating the inevitable? We didn't do this. Gelindra did by keeping them here rather than allowing them to pass on. Humans were not meant to live forever. The harder a mortal may try to preserve itself, the less there is that is worth preserving. Whatever love she once had for Michael or her people died ages ago, replaced by the shallower vice of desire. We simply ripped off the bandage, or cut out the gangrenous flesh to keep the rot from spreading. Even if the dream of what could have been is never realized again, at least the world is free of what Gelindra’s world eventually became. Moving forward, we have a new set of assets and complications to deal with. We have Clavis’ book, which means we can bring Cormac back, maybe even into his own body if we are lucky. If not, Michael has proven to be very adept at crafting living things. He may even be able to create bodies for both Cormac and Ulna. If that were possible, we could bypass the disturbing idea of having to find fresh cadavers for our siblings to inhabit. Michael’s abilities could potentially also be able to regrow my brothers’ missing limbs. As an added surprise, I’m finding this Halberd to be a surprisingly ideal weapon. The lethality of an axe, with the reach and defensiveness comparable to my old broom handle. I don’t know why I never thought of the idea of wielding a weapon like this. It should be suitable at least for the duration of our stay on the island. Right now, with the condition of the rest of the party in it’s current state it may be one of the only thing that we might use to keep the Ankou at bay. I really hope it isn’t nighttime when we get back. I don’t think we closed the trapdoor when we left.

Entry 40a.

What have I just done? Why did I do that? I just left Edward to be killed like that. Stupid, useless Neila! Logically thinking, there wasn't anything I could have done to stop it from happening. It's not like I could have killed Job. Maybe I could've absorbed the shot, and we old have tried to escape together. But wait. Job was bound to Edward. No matter how fast we could run, we wouldn't have escaped. I should have tried to fight regardless, as useless as might have been. Why would Job kill Edward? He was anchored to- Damn it, he wanted his body! That untrustworthy snake! After we made a deal with him and everything! Now pretty much all of my siblings are dead because I wasn't protecting them. Stephen, died because I got lost and passed out. Maxillia died because I gave in to her and let the ankou take her, Cormac died because I didn't go with him and Edward, and now Edward died because I... ran away... In a way, I may have even lost Clavis because I wasn't with him to help overcome his inner demon. ...if there was any way I could have helped.

No. I need to stop focusing on what I could have done in the past and focus on the present. Right now, Edward is dead, and unless Clavis is able to re-anchor Cormac somehow quickly, Cormac's ghost is most likely with his gun. Hopefully, if Edward doesn't simply pass on, he may be able to tether himself to me, or something I can find before Clavis does.

Before Clavis does? How did he get from being my caring brother who I'd do anything to help, to being a demonic younger reflection of our father? Is this the way Clavis was before, or is this the demon side of Clavis? I know he's going to say that it's better this way. That I'm selfish for wanting the old Clavis back. Michael was right though. Clavis was engaged in a battle between the two halves of himself, and it looks like the demon half won. When he talks, he seems more like father now, and that terrifies me. Even if we destroy our father, if Clavis takes the throne, we may just as well be replacing one problem with another. I can't let that happen, but I don't want to kill him. He's still my brother, and the only living sibling I have left.

Maybe I shouldn't have helped him so much. I fought most of his battles for him, so he didn't have to grow from the lessons. Instead, by facing his trials for him, I robbed him of the wisdom he would have gained from facing them himself. Then when the time came for him to face his own demon, the demon consumed him. I need to believe that the human side hasn't been completely absorbed by the demon, and that I can find a way to convince him to start fighting the darkness. But to do that, I may need to prove it can be done. I'm going to need to find my piece and resolve my own battle to stand a chance at convincing Clavis that there is any strength to be found in his humanity.

That means I will have to overcome my own trial too. Femora Fitzgerald, the dark part of me that sleeps, will be waiting to claim me. I don't know if I can overcome that. But we can't get off this island until all of us who survive find our missing pieces. I'm going to have to take that poison in order to leave, regardless of whether I'm Femora or Neila when I'm through. I've gotten better at resisting both poisons and demons. But can I resist myself? Do I have enough self control to control my own demon once awakened? At this point, all I can do is hope.

Should I continue down this path alone, or should I still trust Clavis to see me through to my trial? Even if he has given himself to his darkness, he will still want to see me through my own path, if only in the hopes that Femora will see him onto the throne. Of all of us, I probably have the least claim or desire for the throne, and he is probably counting on me putting my conscience aside for his own interests. Even if he is stronger than he was with the demon awake, he's still Ironically a worse liar than Cormac or Edward were. If I let him help me, though, I may be risking giving Femora the upper hand. If I don't, however, I may give up any chance of getting him back.

I need to apply Michaels lesson. If I leave him now to follow our own roads, our next crossing is going to end poorly. This may have shaken his trust in me, but I don't think he will not accept me back if I return. For my part, I will be truthful with him. He will accept me, if I agree to undertake my trials. Let my trial set an example for him if need be. If I win, then I will have shaken his beliefs in the strength of darkness, maybe enough to rekindle the struggle for his soul. If I fail, then so be it. All I have done will be for nothing, and the legacy of the Fitzgerald Dynasty will continue. But as long as I remain Neila, I will keep fighting for something brighter.

Entry 40b.

Dear Michael,

Thank you again for everything you've done for Clavis and the rest of us. I don't think we could have done this without all your help.

I only wish I could do as much for others as you have for us. My life, it seems though, has always been the opposite, it seems. It sometimes seems like the best I can hope to be in life is a purging wildfire, clearing out old growth to let something new come forth from the ashes. I just wish I could do more to plant some good in the future. I hope that the sacrifices you have made for us will not end in vain. I think i understand what it was that we destroyed. It was a beautiful dream that the two of you began with. I really am sorry to see what it became. If there was more time, or a way to go back, things could have ended differently, but that seems to beyond the power that either of us possess, so the best we can do is learn, and let the echoes of our past mistakes and misdeeds form the seed of a better future.

I don't know where we'll be going next. We don't yet know where our remaining pieces are, but I am certain we will find them, and then finish the task that we set ourselves to. I hope the last few days of your life will be very fulfilling. I'll do my best to remember the example of your selflessness that you set for us. I hope that when you go, where you go, you will be at peace. Thank you for looking at us, not for what we are, but for who we are trying to be. I don't think people like you are very easily found in this world.

Sincerely,

Neila.

Entry 40c.

Please, if there is some greater force or will that opposes the workings of demons, whether you are God, some great spirit of order, or some author of the fates of the universe. I hope you are listening, because I think you have a vested interest in what I am about to undertake.

I know I have made mistakes in the past. There are decisions that I made in fear, thinking them the only option I had. I've also had to live through the consequences of my actions, and am still carrying the weight of my mistakes in more ways than one. But I've learned to bear that weight. I've tried to learn from my failings and use the experience to change things moving forward. While I carry regret for these actions, I know that there is nothing I can do about them but to do whatever I can to learn from them, and to make some good come of it moving forward.

I'm going to be engaging in a battle that I don't know whether I can truly win, a battle for my human soul, in order to save my brother's. I am holding on to the belief that the trials I've faced, even the ones I've failed have been there to serve some purpose greater than the Earl's. If I'm damned no matter what I do, just kill me and get it over with instead of giving me false hope after all these times I've been snatched from the jaws of death. There are plenty of other people out there who are far more deserving of life than I am, so if I can't be anything better than the demon that the Earl conceived me to be, stop giving me hope that I can. There are others who have faith in my potential to be something other than a force of evil in this world, and I want them to be right. If good can at all triumph over evil, let me be an example of this. Even if I have to accept Femora as a part of me that I will always have to struggle with, let me to be strong enough to control it rather than letting it control me. I'm not expecting you to fight my battle for me. I know I'll have to use every scrap of humanity that is left in me, but if there is anything good out there that has a say in the fates of humans and demons, please let me be right about this. Let it be possible for me to overcome this trial, and let it be possible for me to give Clavis what he needs to defeat his own demon.

Please let me be right, because I'm afraid of what will happen to the world if I'm wrong.

Entry 41

I don't get it. Why couldn't I confront Clavis like I thought I would? I thought I could be strong, but I started to think, what if I was wrong? What if he was still adjusting when he first came back? What if the voices were Edward's own paranoia feeding back on us? But what if I am right and I'm too afraid to say anything meaningful? Is this why you were afraid to do anything, Michael? The thing is, I really don't know much of anything. I don't even know if my ability to see the unseen could tell me how corrupted Clavis might be. I've seen the influence that evil has had already on Cormac and Edward, but I don't know if I can truly gauge it. Maybe I'm wrong. Cormac found his piece and became a ghost rather than a demon when he died. I shouldn't freak out at them for all these changes. Even the strange voice, while frightening, couldn't have been intentional on Clavis's part. I'll keep my eye open for trouble, but I need to stop instinctively doubting Clavis. Even if he has lost a portion of his human side, corruption is a process and not a single event, and it can be fought. Nobody can be perfect. It's practically impossible to survive in this world without compromising your morality, but we still need to hold on to our ideals if we can.

What's more presently annoying is this whole "merging" that seems to be going on between Cormac's soul and what seems to be Edward's memories. I've tried explaining to him that his memories aren't really his own, but those of the body he occupies, but he is stubbornly insisting that these memories are his own. I don't know how much he actually believes it, or how much of it is him deliberately trying to get on my nerves. It bothers me if it Is the first. How can he be that delusional that he can believe that these memories and experiences are his own? It's like his memory of there being an Edward is being erased, and this whole time it was just Cormac. Or is it more like this whole time it was just Edward? Either way it feels like somebody is being dropped to the side inside that head, and I don't like it. Maybe he sees things differently, but he's not sharing his perspective on this. All I'm able to get out of him is Cormac's typical refusal to explain things, followed by quoting something from Edward's memory. I'm trying to understand, stop treating it like I'm poking you with a sharp stick. I don't care if at the end you figure you are Edward or Cormac, but just explain things to me who you believe you are,because I would like to know if I have even one of my brothers back. Right now it feels like I'm being haunted by the ghosts of both my brothers, and I don't want to lose either of you. Why can't you just explain it to me dammit!? I don't know who is standing in front of me. Just tell me who you are. What's there, and what isn't? What should I be happy to have back and what should I be mourning? I'm sorry I don't just naturally understand what you are going through. I can't read your mind, so don't expect me to naturally understand this.

Right now it feels like everyone is upset at me for not immediately understanding or accepting these things that almost nobody could. Can't they understand why I'm cautious? Surely the Earl must have a motive for sending us here. I really doubt he'd send us here where we can collectively stew in our loathing for him just so we can all rally against him when we get back. It makes sense for me to be cautious of everything we encounter. accepting everything at face value is what got Cormac killed in the first place.

It would be nice if my second eye could show me what what is really going on inside my brothers' heads.

Entry 42 Damn this sweet singing. Sweet vengeance. Teach them to suffer as I have, and drown, drown, drown the world with the pain visited upon me! Slit the throat, gouge the eye, spill the guts and squeeze the heart to burst! Wash the world in a deluge of blood and anguish! Let the gore seep into every dark crevasse of the earth and purge it of all. They will know pain as I have, but they will not endure as I have!

No... no... These aren't my thoughts! This isn't me. This isn't real! This won't make the world better! Cormac isn't my enemy, he is my brother! He is my brother and I attacked him like a wild animal! Why did he try to save me? Why, when he he refuses to share a cloak with me, while he has two, even after I ask nicely, does he care enough to try to save me after I nearly kill him? He may be a self-centered brat sometimes, but I've proven myself to be far less trustworthy. I could blame Glasya, but she played on my weaknesses. I've always let it irritate me, even though I didn't show it, when Cormac failed to recognize or appreciate the things I've gone through for him. I didn't do these things for the recognition, I've done them because I felt they needed to be done. Why should I care if it's a thankless job? Now, now I've given voice to wrath, and it's going to be even harder to fight it. Never mind Femora, Glasya is already threatening to overtake my identity. A fire in my heart, promising the sweet warmth of wrath, but no matter how hard I try to stop it from blazing into an inferno, my heart will one day surely turn to ash. If I can't succeed in stopping the Earl by the time that happens, there won't have been any reason reason for me to have come back to life.

Cormac,

To answer your question, no. It wasn't. It really wasn't. None of it was worth it. It wasn't worth killing those men to summon Glasya, It wasn't worth carrying a shard of her in my heart, and it wasn't worth attacking you for a coat. I don't even know if coming back will have been worth it.

I should have reminded you of my condition sooner. If I had, we may have been able to avoid this. I thought I could keep Glasya subdued. Yet this whole time, she was just waiting. Waiting for the moment where she could push me off the precipice and be the only one left to save me.

I'm afraid there is no ghost for me. Not with Glasya. I could feel her scrambling up back to the world. I could have let go, I may have been able to destroy her with me.

I'm not asking you to trust me. I don't even know if I can trust myself keep Glasya in check. This has made her stronger, which makes me even more dangerous. That won't stop me from fighting it. I don't think I can beat Glasya on my own. Even before this, there were times, when my defenses were weak, she was able to slip through the cracks. Now the ringing has grown into a voice. It whispers sweet lies of blood and vengeance. I know that is what they are, but That moment is all she needs to make me lash out.

I need her out. I'm afraid that even if I hold on until we finish our business with the earl, I won't have a greater purpose driving me to keep her in check. I won't last long like that. I know you said in our talk of the earl that we should try to simply banish father rather than killing him. If there is no way of separating me from Glasya, I'd rather die than have her drive me into a madness from which there is no return. Even if I die fighting you, know that the real Neila would have sacrificed herself if it meant putting an end to our father's tyranny. Do not let us continue his legacy. I may have doubted Clavis, but I am dead certain that if I can't get rid of Glasya, she will create a future far worse than that of our father's.

I don't know if I made the right choice. I saw you trying to save me, even after I tried to kill you. I can't leave you or Clavis here if there is a chance that you might need me. I won't abandon you, not unless you think I'm too dangerous to help. I'm not asking you to help me because I feel I deserve it from you. I'm asking because I'm afraid that I can't do this on my own. I don't think any of us can afford to lose any more siblings.

Entry 43



What rises from the abyss? I do not feel that different. I feel calmer, like I have more clarity, but I still feel like myself. I expected a battle of wills. An external force that would be the will of Femora, but nothing yet. I don’t want to think about what I saw. Was that me, or something else? Was this pull my own subconscious will, or the will of another. Either way, I think my father had a sick sense of humor, giving me something appearing to be a human looking eye, for it to hatch into some twisted spidery monstrosity. I was hoping this would make me appear more normal, but with the eye closed at least, I seem as eyeless as before. Am I still myself? I suppose I don't remember yet. I still think of myself as Neila rather than Femora. Will that change when the memories come? Cormac is still Cormac, even with Edward's memories. Will I still be Neila, knowing my childhood as Femora. Clavis has said that we are all murderers, and I believe he spoke of our childhood rather than my more recent atrocities. I suppose, even without the memories the Sins left a mark on my soul. I will have to acknowledge them, but do my best to keep them behind me.

The power that this eye possesses... I can see things far more easily. Beyond what supernatural abilities, I can see mundane things more clearly too. Things seem to pop out more, the closer they are. Depth perception, I suppose. I wonder if I can use this second eye indefinitely if I want to. It seems as natural as closing my other eye. I wonder if things I see with this vision can still harm me in the same manner as my previous. Would Fegann still look unblemished, or would I see something else? Can this still only show me dark things, or do I have a wider spectrum?

I know the darkest secret in your soul, Cormac, but is one I already know. If you remembered, it would still haunt you. It was necessary to you, but also damnable in your eyes. I have seen, but I will not speak of it. As Clavis said, it is better not to judge you on who you were, neither can I judge you on who Edward was. I almost forget, what you've done to see me through this. You carried me here, and saw me to my goal. Sure, you filled the room with pipe smoke, but at least you helped me when I really needed it. You saved me from dying, or perhaps worse, from letting Glasya's cancer grow further. Regardless of how strong your concern truly is, or the reason for it, I will be grateful for that.

Clavis troubles me. While he hasn't done anything outright evil, I worry about his career as earl once he takes the throne. It seems he and Cormac have spoken less on what to do with father than I had thought. I would like to ask him the specifics of what his plans are for the future, but it is not my place yet to judge, or offer counsel. I don't know enough yet to make a sound judgement, at least that's what I get the impression Clavis' opinion is. I hope that will be different now that I have found my missing piece.

Who will decide the stronger between us, however? If it is the Earl, he may pick either of us. I hope that whatever plan we decide for what is to come, we will have time to act on it before Father executes the next step of his plan.

Entry 44

The memories have finally started coming back. Memories of before. I expected Femora to be someone ‘other’ than me, a demon that I would have to fight. Instead, these memories are just that. Memories of something bad. Something I, or “we” did out of envy of Ulna that got her killed. I don’t remember the details, but I do remember that whatever we wanted to do to Ulna got out of hand, and that’s how she died. I remember Clavis hating me. I remember looking up at my uncle’s face, asking him for a way to fix it. Asking him to make things better, and then I remember a wash of white, as he buried my knowledge of my transgressions behind a wall of white.

That’s why Clavis has changed. That’s why he looks at me differently now. This is the judgement he spoke of. I’m no longer just the long lost sister that he thought he had. I, and our sister Maxillia, maybe more of us, are now revealed as the true murderers of our sister, Ulna. This is why he speaks of Judgement. We haven’t discussed it yet, but I have something to answer for. Clavis said Maxillia protected him this whole time out of guilt. Did she still know about what we did and keep it hidden from me? It may have been seen as a mercy at the time. Maybe it was, but discovering it now, it feels all the more foolish. Neila, the person I have become in the present, wouldn’t have done that... Or would I? Thinking back, when I went to rescue Cormac from the vigil, I entertained the notion of throwing that girl off the tower. When I tried to sneak up behind her, I told myself that I was only going to knock her unconscious, but I would have thrown her off if it came down to it. I had thought Femora was the dark legacy of our father, and Neila was the good one, raised outside of the influence of the Earl, but really, this whole time, I’m the same person, save for the accumulated burden of wisdom gained by a lot more mistakes. If I didn’t know what I do now, I would have done the exact same thing. My darkness has always been here, just tamed by guilt. Like what Cormac said, when I told him I kept Updike’s daughter alive after she tried to kill me: The only reason I do anything good is because of the guilt. What can I really say or do to fix things? Even if we do bring Ulna back from the dead, it won’t ever be like it was before. I’m the reason she’s had to spend all that time as a ghost, haunting his dearest brother, and now both Clavis and I know that. The time has only increased the pain that I caused him, and the knowledge in my own mind that what I did was horribly wrong. I can’t judge him, not even with my second eye. I have no right to. It is his right to judge me. I can’t undo things that have been done, but I hope he will let me fix what I can.

Things may have shifted considerably here, in terms of our plan at least. A new party may have arrived here, and I'm not sure what they want. This Inspector McCloud, he seems to have a different reading to him. He seems to be able to connect doorways across space, with a certain ease. He may be some sort of wizard, like Michael was. But he could also be a werewolf for all I know. Whatever he is, he seems to be doing a better job of upholding his moral standards than we are, which would imply that this may not be a part of our father’s plan. Still that may not necessarily be the best thing for us. As an inspector, he likely places a great deal of importance in justice. He may be taking us in for some sort of judgement for what we have done. Just because Michael, Arianne, and a couple of Werewolves believe that we can still do something to make the world a better place, that doesn’t mean every decent supernatural being would share those sentiments. Even with the werewolves, I could tell some of them, especially Finn, were uneasy with us, on account of what we were. I suppose similarly less hopeful people could easily think to judge us for our actions.

Thinking back to Uncle’s note, as well as the letters sent by Arianne all those months ago, this may be the hope that we were looking for. We may still have allies that we have not yet met. If this is the case, then this may be our chance to enact a plan outside of father’s ability to discover. I hope it is this rather than the second.

Our captain, the legendary immortal Captain Haddock... I've read the tales about him. I don’t know if my words held any value to him, but he referred to us as guests, where before he merely called us cargo. I suppose speaking of my short temper may have come across as an attempted threat. What I meant was more that my lack of self control would be likely to put me in danger. He dropped the matter after my refusal to shoot him, so I hope he understands that I do not wish to cause either of us harm. I have to be afraid in my interactions with others, not of them, but of myself. The rage that Glasya provokes is irrational, and just as much a threat to my own wellbeing as it is to others. I don't know if Glasya can bring me back if I die a second time. I don't even know if I would want her to.

Entry 45

Here we are at what some consider the edge of oblivion. Not sure if what I'm feeling more hope or dread. The Inspector and his associates seem to have a vested interest in our part in what they refer to as the "convergence". He has been fairly hands off when it comes to actually giving us advice, instead focusing on giving us the tools we need to affect change. He doesn't claim to know what is going to happen, or even whether we have a chance at accomplishing what we intend, but according to him, the entire physical realm itself is at stake.

I promised my support to Clavis, to do whatever is necessary, include give my own life to succeed. I still don't have complete faith in him, but I have even less faith in myself. At least his actions are entirely his own. I can't say that for myself. Hell, even though he hasn't forgiven me yet, Clavis seems to have more faith in me than I do right now. He's a better sounding board for good or bad ideas than Cormac is, at least. One thing that still troubles me are the rituals. Once again, it seems foolish not to use. We need to destroy a tower, after all, why not have a demon who specializes in Seigecraft handle it for us? Just need to have some people throw themselves off a tower for us. We could even put them back in their bodies after... I'll leave that idea on the sidelines for now. Better to avoid dealings with demons if possible.

Kalesh says I'm becoming more like her kind. She's probably saying that because she knows it bothers me. The same way she told Cormac he didn't have a soul. If he didn't still have a soul, I wouldn't be able to read it. That may not have been the best way to let him know about the specifics of what I can see. I don't know if he takes it as a kindness or not that I kept that knowledge from him. I don't know why Cormac let her out to roam the ship. Right now she's practically asking for trouble. I won't let her get to me.

Entry 46

A light in the darkness. Is this faith? I can't express it properly. It's a warmth, but not at all like the wrathful heat of Glasya. More like the warmth of a spring afternoon in the life giving sun. It's a peace like I've never felt, a peace deep within and without. I've never felt this way before. The father's voice resonates within my soul, calming my worries, and telling me... I don't know the words, but it seems to tell me that there is something greater going on. Something greater than the darkness I was born into. Something I am a part of, have always been a part of, even in my mistakes. Something I've been looking, hoping, begging for and demanding, but never truly believed. I never had faith. The mistakes I made... I did them out of fear. I lacked the faith to take a better option., because I didn't believe I could succeed in taking the better options. Now I have something. A light to fight back the darkness. Why did I never feel this before? There is hope for me yet! If we fall, it's not too late to get back up. With God, I can do this. Everything that Fegann, Michael, even the Inspector invested in us, we can still live up to them. I didn't understand why, but I believe I do now. Thank you Father Quinn! Thank you God, for finally showing me I'm not alone here, for knowing me for all my faults weaknesses and sins, and still... being here... at this point... through it all, when I was too afraid to listen. I can feel it now. You are here. I still don't know for sure what your will is for me in this, but I'm willing to start listening.

Disgraced That could have gone better. Really, though these people and their civilities. And Cormac too, dancing around what he's really here for, making himself seem the rightful noble heir, and I the disgusting Bastard half sister. Never mind that I have injuries that would have nearly any other woman six feet in the ground. Where did Kalesh go off too? Probably prowling around trying to find the book while we keep the others distracted. That, or she still has some of bones' old habits. A greed demon like Kalesh would likely pick those up, having lost the Consort.

Moonlight Confrontation Right. This... This could be really bad... I'm very, very wounded, I'm unarmed, and there is what is most likely a werewolf, if my assumption is correct, snarling from the darkness. Okay... need to keep calm. Anger and fury have no place here. Just remember the warmth... faith... I'm unarmed, I'm close to dying, and I've just had a horrific lesson in the importance of manners, so maybe there's a reason for this all. I'm no threat to him, completely at it's mercy, so this is probably a perfect time to figure out what to say to get it to agree to talk. It may not like what I am, but maybe if I can get it to see what the others saw in us, and consider the greater things at stake, it may spare me. Even if it does kill me, it could at least as a last request tell tell me what became of Brocc's pack, if any of them escaped.

Entry 47

Even with this warmth, and no longer feeling Glasya's influence, I still have trouble finding the right choices to make. I must have known what I was doing. I must have known that Kalesh would do what I wasn't willing to do. I must have let it happen anyways. I can't remember it, though. I don't remember making the decision, but I don't think I did anything to stop her. the Vicompte is still dead because I couldn't stop her. Ultimately, Cormac made the right decision in banishing it. It's just too bad we couldn't have done that sooner. I've let her put me in these situations where I don't get a good option.

Father says there's a plan, but what is my place in it really? Time and time again, I get put into situations where the only good decisions are the ones that have no chance of success. Why can't it be easy to be good, God? Why do I have to live this life where I'm constantly having to fight with everything I have to just be a good person? Couldn't you have found someone else for this? Couldn't I have been born a normal person? Have a normal life in a simple house where I could marry young and have children, and not worry about me or my family turning into demons?

I know you must be acting to keep me alive. That's the second time I've narrowly escaped being mauled to death by a rampaging werewolf. Maybe I should have protected the Vicomte from Kalesh. But what is the difference between faith and stupidity? Can I trust you to preserve me every time I decide to run blindly into danger? And what will happen to me at the end? Will I have this happy ending Clavis envisions for us, or is it selfish for me to expect anything nice for me in this world once it's all over? Even if I give up my life saving the world, will you really permit a soul like mine to enter heaven? I bring trouble with me wherever I go, leaving destruction in my wake. Every good place I've found has been tainted in my passing. Even with Father Quinn help, I think I'm still getting worse. I remember waking up and feeling tricked by Kalesh, and more importantly mad at Cormac over the decisions he made between then and my waking up. It felt like the world was too stupid to be worth saving. Then I saw Colette, with her innocence and naivete, and I wanted to take that away from her. I wanted her to suffer the knowledge and pain that i was feeling. And the worst thing about it was that it wasn't Glasya, or Kalesh that wanted that. It was myself. Can you really redeem something as broken and twisted as as my soul?

I should probably speak to the Father Quinn again. I feel torn between two extremes. On one hand, I want good things for the world, and I don't want to see it fall into corruption. On the other hand, though, I feel like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders on behalf of gods and mortals. So many take me for granted, and even despise me, not knowing all I've sacrificed to keep their world from falling into darkness. I hear them and I can't help but want to shake off my burden. I want them want them to understand suffering as I have felt it, and see if they would have done even half as well as I have. But that doesn't do anything. They still don't understand. I just prove myself to be the undeserving monster that they saw me as.

But I don't need to feel that way. There are still decent people who believe in me, and are willing to help me. Quinn says that it's never too late to stop, and take another path. I really am happy for Cormac, or at least the better part of me is. Colette brings out the good in him. I don't think he would have possessed the determination to finally have Kalesh banished. Bringing her aboard may not have been as practical as if we brought Professor Strauss, but it was still a good thing.

Colette's brother, Jean, he seemed a like a good man. maybe better for me than Cyril, in practical terms. He seemed gentlemanly enough, and in thinking of practicalities, that would leave Cormac free to marry Colette. While he is a slight bit on the older side if I were my proper age, he's still a fairly fetching man. I don't know if he would think of me that way, even if I looked closer to my proper age again. An attractive eligible nobleman at that age may not be interested in women. Still, Clavis thinks it may be possible to return me to my true age using alchemy. I don't know what I would do with the books though. Knowledge can sometimes be a bad thing if you know too much about the wrong things, and not enough about the right.

Professor Strauss has spent his entire adult life living without contact or knowledge of others like himself. That is sad to think of for someone whose people have such dedication to a higher nobler purpose. If I survive maybe I could help him find them, or at least share what I know of them with him. Something else to think about if I survive the month.

I can't say I'll be missing Kalesh, now that it's finally been exorcised and banished. I don't think it's much of a coincidence that some of my worst life decisions were made where it was present or nearby. The responsibility for those actions are still my own, but I don't think too many people would disagree if I said that Kalesh was a bad influence. Having her around would have been dangerous for Colette. Kalesh enjoyed being a bad influence. It's just too bad I let it influence me as much as I already did.

Entry 48

The time has come to set our designs into motion. I must rely on Father Quinn to exorcize the avernian gate. I need to have faith in God to have the power to do what needs to be done. I'm not willing to do have another death on my hands. The only life I have the right to sacrifice is my own. I promised Clavis I would do whatever is necessary, even give up my life, to defeat our father. If the exorcism fails. If I'm called on to sacrifice another life, let it be mine. I'm just worried that's not part of God's plan.

You're not going to let me do that, are you? Whatever I'm facing, I'm going to have to suffer through it aren't I? That's why I'm healing so fast, right? I'm going to need to be at full strength to get through this and do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. Maybe You could make it a bit more obvious? I don't know I'm doing your will, or just being foolish.

Ellie is a smart girl. Clever enough to perform the ritual if I teach it to her. She can get back into the vigil if she wants, and Bones can get her curse lifted, as long as the gate is destroyed. I just don't know if that is even the right decision.

Wait a moment- The Avernian gate is powered by human souls. Meaning ghosts. We're looking at our tasks the wrong way. Clavis would be able to operate, shut down or even dismantle it with his own power. Father created it using Clavis’s knowledge, this must be his part in this. Meaning it would be my part to confront Father. We've been assuming this whole time that the next earl is going to be the one that father chooses. If we are successful, the choice is still ours. This must be what I'm here to do. Cormac even said it was more difficult for him to reach into my mind than most. Maybe the same is true for my soul. God was able to remove Glasya's influence from me. I still feel his presence upon me. With his help, I should be able to keep him from possessing me, and stand a chance at fighting him if he takes another physical form. If he hides inside something or someone else, I can find him, and know where to strike at. Maybe this is what we are supposed to be doing.

I'll do the research as planned, starting with discussing the exorcism idea with Father Quinn, before reading into father's true name, and finally finish learning the binding ritual for the pride demon, which I can give to Cormac or Ellie. I should also discuss the idea of having a weapon sanctified with Father Quinn. It should be possible, if he knows such a ritual, given what Ellie's bullets were capable of. Given the size of the book, our Father's true name is long and complex. If there are ritualistic components to using it, I many not be able to effectively teach in full to Clavis.

Epilogue part one.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. I don't really know what to feel. I would feel sad, but I'm too confused for that. I would be mad, but there doesn't seem to be anyone left I can blame. Everyone I could be mad at is gone. Clavis, Robert, even God seems to be outside of my ability to blame. This entire time, at the very end of it, I can't say whether I did the right thing or the wrong thing. I just played my part. The part that both God and the Earl had for me. It didn't even need me to use any of my research. I just needed to be there at the right place and time, to hit some things with a halberd. I think whatever the Earl's plan was, he succeeded, and yet the world goes on, and I with it. Is that what God's true face is? are those the forms of his angels when the blinding light has been stripped away? It looks... Like a machine, I think. Far more advanced than anything i’ve seen, but still, a machine. Does that mean that something built it? Maybe there is something greater out there. Maybe whole world's beyond what humans can comprehend. I suppose I have no way of knowing. All I have are the confines of my own mind, and the knowledge of finding a hole in the wall of what I thought was infinite. Again, I’m staring into an empty void where the meaning of the universe would be. Yet, here I am, continuing to exist. I’m a little broken physically, but nothing I haven't recovered from. And Cormac is here with me. Maybe not in his old body, but he's here, and alive. All we have is life, our memories of what came before, and a chance to do something with them. Maybe our lives are a gift from a higher power, maybe we are here by pure chance. Nobody can tell me for certain, now. I’ll have to find the answers myself. Right now, I should probably see about getting this bone set, maybe spend a few months not worrying about things.

Epilogue part two.

Neila spent the next bit recovering, physically, and emotionally from the events. Strangely enough, now that she was free to live her own life, she found it more difficult to be bitter about her life, and found it easy partake in the joy of others. Cormac's gift of a puppy that Christmas helped with that. She still spent far too much time talking to it about weighty or complicated matters that would be far too difficult for an ordinary dog's mind to comprehend. Yet the dog's returned gift of love and attention was enough for Neila to consider such discussions as worthwhile.

For a time, Neila stayed near and invested in the goings on between Cormac and Colette, however, following Cormac's treasure hunting expedition to Saint Helena, Cormac insisted that Neila go see the world. Neila was hesitant at first, but relented. There were things in in the world that she still wanted to see for herself. She wanted to find answers. Answers about the herself, the machine, and anything that may lay beyond. Some of these answers would likely never be found, but that was the beauty of it. The demon may have exposed the true face of the god-machine, but that was just the beginning. There was a puzzle to be solved. A puzzle that nobody else could solve for her. Best of all, she was free to solve it on her own grounds, and nobody but herself had any expectations, or could tell her for certain whether she succeeded or failed. Neila eventually found her way, and it was her own.